Travesty Of Its Own

there comes a time, when you have to let go. you can't interfere, it is just not your business. no one can point a finger, and play the blame game, it is too late.

there comes a time, when all you can do is sit and watch for what's coming next.


i know i've said everything in life is a choice, but there are restrictions. we aren't always compelled to deal, certainly when things are way beyond our reach. we're humans, we're not superhumans. we can hold grudges, but we can't hold onto responsibilities that are too far-fetched.

the distant reality that many fail to grasp, we can't decide, we can't mould, we can't make choices or even choose how tomorrow will begin or end if an observer is what we're elected for. tomorrow is always an unknown.

we do what we can. at the end, we may rejoice in success, or maybe not. and when the latter occurs, we wonder "what went wrong?". what could have been, what could have been done. too late, maybe something's were just meant to be, as how it were out of reach from the very beginning. self-depreciating thoughts occur. nothing can be done to undo, we can only look ahead. to deal with the future.

maybe we'll sit and pray, everyone goes through some sort of rough patch of their own. for others, few empty bottles. anything, and everything is an option.

and hopefully, we'll get through it.

then continue the script.

*******

"ku katakan dengan indah,
dengan terluka hatiku hampa,
sepertinya luka menghampirinya.

kau beri rasa yang berbeda,
mungkin ku salah mengartikannya,
yang kurasa cinta."

-'ku katakan dengan indah' by peterpan-

The Awkward Surprise

"they say the bigger your investment,
the bigger your return,

but you have to be willing to take a chance.


you have to understand,
you might lose it all.


but if you take that chance,
if you invest wisely,

the pay off might just surprise you."

-s06e08, am a sucker for grey's anatomy-

*******

i don't know how, when or why, this pessimism towards it began. all the negativity, suddenly appeared out of nowhere. i used to believe, but somehow things changed. it no longer seems as pleasant as before. no longer the same.

perceptions change through time, no?

perceptions can be influenced, no?


maybe i'm just waiting for you, then the pieces will fit in again.

*******

mom asked me,

"what's the song '3' about? the radio dj was saying, listen to the chorus and know what she's counting about, so what is it actually?"

me,

"hmmmm. well the direct meaning, she's supposedly singing about playing 'twister'. but the indirect translation, it's about threesome."

awkwardly, there was a lack of the awkward moment. getting used to, perhaps?

Quite Abruptly

NigelBiscuitBoy seems to have developed the art of storytelling very articulately. for his age, not yours. earlier, i was speaking to IvanTheTerrible, but NBB being himself, snatched the phone from him.

a few rustled moments later, he started rattling away. he's no oxford or cambridge, so occasionally he'd get stumped for words, and i can always picture him rolling his eyes upwards, breathing heavily, thinking hard for the right words at this point. like he usually does.

NBB: mummy take the video of me dancing on the stage and...

(this was about his nursery's concert)


NBB: and martini put the brown on the table and she....

(firstly, i have no idea what the hell this story was about. secondly, yes someone named their daughter "martini". was martini-the-drink the cause of martini-the-daughter? or the other way round?)


NBB: papa's car so big. and the tyre so big lidat lidat LIDATTT.

(i couldn't stop laughing here)

NBB: uncle sharman laughing.

(i laughed even more)

NBB: uncle sharman laughing some moreee.

(at the background i could hear ITT grumbling)

NBB: nooooo. but i want to talkkkk.

(he tends to stretch his words sometimes. very distinct, hard to explain)

NBB: grandma play the kumputen (computer=laptop). she play beejwleeeed, play fish, play farmmmm.

me: grandma never let you play?

NBB: noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. grandma play all dayyyyyy!



quite abruptly he ended our conversation and passed the phone to his brother. willingly. i don't think opening a facebook account for someone who is barely 4years old is a good idea.


then what will I post about?!

:)

-enjoy the weekend-

Magenta Ain't Pretty

i started officially in the giant red & white metal tube on the 6th!

unexpected and pretty much unprepared. i went into my typical frenzy panic mood, but luckily the captain was extremely nice. he didn't rush me, knowing i was already rushed, and not to forget nervous too. i had no idea what to expect. of course the occasionally mind freeze had to happen. not with the flying, but knowledge.

it's been a never-ending learning process, and sometimes you take all the tiny finer points for granted. so when you're asked to recall, you get stumped for words.

almost like having a key, with a million doors in front of you to figure which it belongs to. in my head i'm shouting, "I KNOW THIS", yet i couldn't phrase it out in words because it all seemed to fuzzy. yes, study. i know. there's only so much i can store at my fingertips. my mind don't work the same like an external hard disk ready for plug and play, though i wish it did.

captain was incredible. he discussed, even asked for opinions. it is people like him who make flying so freaking awesome beyond words could describe. at one point he turned and said, "RELAX... am i that scary?", we both laughed because it was me scaring myself out, instead of him.

many will say you can't know everything, i don't find any consolation in that. we all know our limitations and capacities, it's just a little disappointing at this stage. i'm the type of guy who's always trying to note down as much as i can, and most times i get amazed with the intricate details i jot down too late. sadly, i don't read those notes because there's already a million other stuff to do. things we have learnt, we hope remember. guiltily, i don't revise cause i feel its exciting to learn something of the unknown. okay, nevermind...

i'm still relishing the moment. this is where i want to be. gotta get through some turbulent times first :)


for someone who never traveled much, here's to bintulu, k. kinabalu, and medan! the sky's blue-er from flight levels :D

*******

she: *sounded like* salmon, are you mixed?

me: salmon? it's shar-man laaa... yes i'm mixed.

capt: is he mixed? of course! norwegian and german salmon mix!

wth.

Options Leave No Choice

people who don't know, think superficially. we're all guilty of it. as much as i should give people the benefit of that, sometimes i can't find the capacity to. maybe it's the situation, the timing, probably even the nonchalant tone.

maybe because it happens one two many a time, then annoyance kicks in. because redundancy is a bore.


people who don't know, think superficially. and i wish i remember how that felt. to be able to know the simplicity of things, and not in depth, without a fear, with a whole lot of glimmer. there is a solace if we just had to touch the surface, and nothing more. there will be no boulder on our shoulders to add weight in our daily lives. without responsibilities, there will be no consequences.

but that's not healthy. i need to know more. still, people who don't know, think superficially, and sometimes that gets on my nerves, if the same person keeps doing it again and again like an energizer bunny. or was it duracell?

*******

today, i saw an old man walking through rows of shops in clogs. the really classic wooden red clogs, with the plastic semi-cover on top. i don't think he was on some prank show. you know what was amazing, he walked so gracefully, without the clogs making a racket. talented. i don't know why was he in clogs, but i guess that looks better than crocs, and when was the last time you saw clogs? worth a mention, don't you think?

i also saw a mind teasing signboard today. it read:

AWAS
AMARAN
KERAS

something's wrong somewhere, no?

-i spout crap-

Snipped, From Your Thoughts?

" when you develop an infatuation for someone,
you always find a reason to believe that this is exactly the person for you.

it doesn't need to be a good reason,
a bad one will do just as well.

taking photographs of the night sky,
for example,
in the long run that's just the kind of dumb irritating habit that would cause you to split up.



but at that time,
it's the charming eccentricity you've been searching for all these years. "

- "the beach" -

*******

i cannot understand some of the people i have met in my life. when i existed there right in front of you, you had to act superior-like. we were always on level ground. difference you and me, i never thought you were great as how you did yourself.

sure i've made mistakes before in my life. if that should be a reason for you to act that i'm beneath you, fine. you had a reason to judge.

but why the sudden fascination, and change of heart to be so-called friends again?

same goes for those who never were mary poppins.

i know people mature over the years, but i also know some don't. i need proof of some sort. or genuine initiation. mouse clicks don't count. no, i'm not mean.