Chronicles Of The Un-Rich And Un-Famous Blogger

Water Breathing Dragon

2012-01-24T21:30:00.001+08:00

It's a new year! Hope everyone's having a splashing new year. This blog needs a splash of life too. Have been far too busy letting life get me by lately.

Things get a little frustrating sometimes. Everything moves so fast, it's the end of a year, and beginning of another. All I can remember was getting out of bed at ungodly hours. Was that really all?

There was a time I remember lying in a foreign bed far away and isolated with unfamiliar faces, wishing my biggest wish.

That I'd be exactly where I am, here, now, today. At that time, I'd give anything to be here. For at that time, this life was the perfect one. The greenest pastures on the other side.

But when you're finally where you wished to be, then what? What comes next? I guess it's normal to feel unsatisfied and unfulfilled.

Stop. Breathe. Time to remember to be grateful to the loving family, the great friends who have come and stayed on, the good memories, laughs and tears.

If this isn't enough, or just wasn't good, how would I have it? I've been reading a little more than usual lately. I keep forgetting life can be worse. And if I had it like that, how would I cope?

I can't imagine.

So time to brush the weightless off my shoulders, and be thankful for all that's here now. Family, friends, opportunities, and a working mind, body, soul.

Happy New Year everyone!

Loaded

2011-10-02T22:03:00.001+08:00

"... can't keep their mouths shut, can't keep their noses out of people's business.

... I hear what she says about him, what she exposes about his life when he's not here, and then I wonder what she says about me when I'm not there. I keep my mouth shut."

words of christos tsiolkas.
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

You Play Love Like A Fool

2011-09-13T21:01:00.004+08:00

"the sense of ending" is a beautiful book. literally. i love how crisp and dark it has been made. i'm usually not a fan of hard covers, but it has a really nice feel. i love the black edges too. oh, and the story's good. i feel like i'm in an all-boys school once again. i feel like i've met adrian, anthony, colin, or alex before. like there was actually five of us. like i was sitting on a wooden chair at my wooden desk again with the morning dampness in the air, with teachers you love and hate preaching their philosophies.

haven't felt lost in something, other than reality, for so long.

it's been ages since i've picked up a book. i realized, this is only my second buy for the year.

i've become a slow reader. but damn it feels good. definitely worth the wait making that mph assistant search for it for half an hour aimlessly. bliss.

Morning Already

2011-09-09T08:48:00.003+08:00

i reached home at seven thirty in the evening last night. made myself indomee, and passed out on the couch till 4am with the tv running on what was suppose to be law and order. then i continued to the bedroom and knocked out till 8am.

effects of too many long morning. at least, i feel a little bit alive now?

i thought september was gonna be a horror. i feared the unknown. i couldn't wait for it to be over.

turned out it's going pretty well. sometimes we just gotta have a little more faith.

Overheard At 30-odd Thousand Feet

2011-08-24T02:49:00.002+08:00

aircraft xxx: singapore radar, xxx radio check?

controller: say again aircraft calling?

aircraft xxx: radar, xxx radio check?

controller: xxx loud and clear.

aircraft xxx: oookay. just checking. very quiet here.

controller: okay, we can see you. you're still flying.

aircraft xxx: yea we hope so!

*******

i have come to a point, where i've somewhat resigned myself to fate. it's almost as if the case of giving your best yet your best isn't good enough. since good enough is subjective, as is many others aspects of life we will live to realize. if i was really not good enough, then i accept the fact. but if i was not good enough because you feel the need to feel empowered and belittle others, then this would be a heartbreak. such is life. nasty. so, i will try to take everything in it's stride, come what may, i'll come out of this taller.

if not already.

" In this life anything can hurt you,

Push you, then forget you,

Erase your history.

But I remember me, I remember me,

It don't matter where I go,

What I'm told,

Now you know.

I remember me, I remember me,

Even if I say goodbye,

Start to cry,

Do or die,

I remember me. "

- jennifer hudson "i remember me"-

Need A Clearance

2011-08-18T19:33:00.012+08:00

" you don't know what's going to happen tomorrow.

you could be here,

you could be somewhere else,

you could be gone.

so just get it.

if you like something,

get it.

don't think so much.

don't think about the money.

money will come and go. "

great advice from the aunty, if she only knew about the credit card statements that come with the things i like. not so great. nevertheless, words i can and will live by.

not that i haven't *gleams*

anyways, the other day i got a call from the credit card company. how excited i was initially. seeing how loyal and such a good customer i was, i thought they called to say i won a car or an all expense paid trip to ibiza or some plain cold hard cash. nope. nehi. they had some saving plans they wanted me to sign up, and it's so awesome, they can just start charging it to my card that i'll be saving without doing anything. can you sense my excitement that i did not use an exclamation mark at the end of my last sentence?

i don't need another savings plan, but i would be eternally grateful if you could just clear my outstanding statement like it never was there?

THEN maybe you could start charging me for your (insipid) savings plan. doesn't help that your "marketing strategy" was to curse me, saying in a decade i'm gonna be in financial ruins filled with debts.

smart ass.

*sings* stop calling. stop calling i don't wanna talk anymore *runs away*

Beggin' For A Saturday

2011-08-13T12:38:00.002+08:00

i really like this cover. happy saturdays everyone!

Cherish (part 3)

2011-08-04T10:34:00.006+08:00

your mum had lost so much weight. she was nearly a size zero. i kept thinking victoria beckham in my head. i noticed her face had sunken in however. but still, i kept thinking to myself, to lose that much weight in such a short time, she must have worked hard!

before i could tell her how amazing she looked, Kit, my colleague, grabbed me by the wrist and squeezed. i held my words, and shrieked just a little.

"she's got cancer. her husband just told me. i'm freaking out". i froze.

damn it. what do i do know? i literally felt as if i had been dumped into a freezer. i tried to carve a smile, but my whole face was stuck in such an awkward position. now everything made sense. why your dad looked worn out. why he was so angry about the album. why your mum lost so much weight.

oh my gosh. what would happen to you?

Kit squeezed my wrist harder. "shut your mouth and smile".

the missus was looking my way and i was stunned with all the thoughts running through my head. i forced a hello, not sure if it could be heard. then she came my way.

"from your expression, i'm guessing you heard", your mum said as she took my hand. "i don't have much time, the doctor confirmed it. so the important thing now, is for me to spend as much time with my family. to make memories. as many as possible," she said as she wiped the tears that had welled up, "and you've been taking wonderful pictures, i want you to continue doing that for us. i don't know how the future will be. i pray he'll grow up to be a strong boy. nevertheless, he needs to know i'm there for him in the toughest situations. it's going to be hard, i can't imagine. one day he will miss me and he'll have so many questions. he'll probably get into an argument with his dad, and i pray and hope these pictures will provide him some comfort. i won't be there, this is all he has."

i blinked and managed a weak "okay", as she proceeded to get ready for the shoot.

i could not fathom all that was going on. why would life present itself in such an ugly manner? give you happiness, then just pull it back from right under your feet? it's like a teasing game. give you a taste of what you could have, then saying you can't have it. why would anyone have to subject themselves through this unjust? how would you ever comprehend this? i could not.

then your dad came over and said, "i would like him to know how much she loves him. i can't think of any other way than through these pictures. he needs to know his mum loves him. he needs to know she never left him. he needs to remember being with her".

it felt as if the world started moving in slow motion, if it did not already stop. i tried to put myself into their shoes. but even as a passerby, this was torture. seeing such a strong structure slowing crumbling into pieces, i wondered, what really mattered in this world then? if this does not last, if this is how the fight ends, should we just give up already?

"it's not always about forever. sometimes it's about whatever little time you have that matters. the memories you make, you cherish them forever. at least, you tried. at least, you had them even if it was just for one moment. i hope one day, he'll understand".

was my thoughts being played out on a megaphone? your dad's words seem to nail the spot. then he asked me a favour, one i had never done, or even our company.

"the day she goes, will not be the happiest day. but she insist, it should be a celebration of life, instead of a day welcoming death. i don't know how i'm going to be on that day, but when it comes, i'll try to remember her wishes. she wants everyone to remember her for the laughter she has shared, the memories she has made, the smiles she has given and brought to others. that is why, i'm asking you a favour, if you would take her memorial portrait today. she doesn't want a portrait that our family and friends would not recognize her, or one that as she puts it 'wouldn't compliment' her. she looks good today", he said with a wry smile.

as your mom took her seat and adjusted her dress, i held my breath as i had held my words. i picked up my camera.

(some stories need to be told)

Cherish (part2)

2011-07-01T00:25:00.007+08:00

just before noon one day, your dad brought you in. you were nicely snuggled in your pram with all the colourful toys dangling above you, stealing your attention. your dad however, something was a misfit in him.

i could see it in his eyes. my gut twisted, as i knew he wouldn't be leaving our shop today a happy man.

"you told me two weeks, it's been a month. how long do you expect my wife and i to wait? we don't have forever", your dad spoke in dismay. i apologized. profusely. an album of yours had encountered some mix up and we had problems printing it. i hated this. your parents had been the most gracious customers, but this, although beyond my powers, i could do nothing else but to apologize on behalf of the store. i wished i could have printed it myself.

your dad then asked me, when could it be completed? and this time, no delays.

as i answered him, i noticed how he had started frowning more. the lines showed. i wondered, maybe you kept him up late at nights? his presence, had not felt the same either. there was a drop in his shoulders, a tiredness in the way he spoke, and his gaze clouded his mind from the present. i don't think he was even listening to me speak because before i could end my sentence, your dad spoke again...

"don't tell my wife it's not ready yet". i nodded. "she's not feeling well. i don't want to make her worry". your dad pulled a gentle smile.

it's not uncommon to find women these days with post-natal depression. or maybe, parenting isn't as easy as they make it out to be? the around the clock care can be exhausting. i wondered. his eyes looking afar, his thoughts even further, he then said, "i want you to take more photos of her later when she comes in. as many as you can with our baby too. pictures paint a thousand words, don't they?", he raised an eyebrow, "and they remain eternal for that moment in that picture. never aging like dorian gray". i couldn't agree more.

i heard your mummy's melodious greeting while i was in the back of the store getting my camera. she said "hello everyone" with such delight, i felt i was stuck in a musical. when i saw her in the flesh, i was literally wowed.

(to be continued)

Cherish (part1)

2011-06-11T04:37:00.006+08:00

they say the firstborn would always be memorable. a milestone, a blessing, a beginning, a turning point going either way. i remember the first time your parents brought you in. by the end of the photoshoot, the other photographers and i were left hanging in wild imagination to put a face on you.

from the first session, we could see the look of joy in their eyes. they were so proud of you even then. i remember, how they lit up everytime they spoke of you. from your progress, your response to their baby talk, to doctor appointments, to your heartbeat. you became the center of their universe. soon, i was a satellite orbiting you too.

i used to think pictures like these were corny. over-zealous parents gushing over their child. never looking in the camera but insisting multiple shots be taken of them looking down on you nestling in your mummy's tummy. then i met your parents. your daddy's gentle care over your mummy's every move. your mum the happiest woman i ever met. i remember your mum having this big personality to match the pregnancy. everytime she walked in, the mood in the whole store would change. it's like she'd sprinkle fairy dust on everyone and we'd forget our worries. there was something so different about them. they made us feel we were part of the whole pregnancy too.

everytime i picked up the camera, i just had to click. there was no need for me to adjust the lighting, or tell your parents where to stand. they did it so naturally, and all the pictures would turn out beautiful. your dad would be so careful not to hug your mummy tight for fear of harming you, but she would would grab him close. the sheer laughter and genuine smiles made me a little envious of them. it also made me realize how important you were. they would speak of their futures for you. who would be the good parent, bad parent. and how they had plans to embarrass you when you grew up. i hope you've been good so they would spare you this humility.

they say, pregnancy makes a woman glow, makes her most beautiful than she's ever been. i would agree since working in this store i have met so many mothers. but here was a rare case, that rubbed it's magic onto the father as well. your dad had a glow of his own. never once did he frown when he came into our store, and he had this charm when he spoke to his wife that made james dean look less of a gentleman. i felt like i was living in a happily ever-after movie at times.

few months later, and we had a new customer in our store. you finally popped out of the oven. well your mum didn't exactly say "popped out", but that's a whole different story for another day. we finally met you. never met a child more charming than you. surprisingly big eyes for an orient child, spiky hair with bruce lee-like long sideburns, handsome smile, and very friendly too. someday this child of yours is going to be a heartbreaker, i told your parents.

"not if he's staying under our roof!".

everyone in the store wanted a piece of you. your parents did not need to look for a babysitter, they'd get free labour with us as we passed you around like a musical box. that was the day we took your first family photo. i'm sure you've seen it at home many times. the one with your dad slightly teary-eyed, your mum hugging you tight. i remember it clearly, because i took that shot.

and i also keep a copy of it. reminds me of the satisfaction in my job.

(to be continued)

Sharp Knife Of A Short Life

2011-05-30T20:38:00.002+08:00

i'm a little addicted to this song lately. i know its quite old already, but there's something very catchy about it. the whole concept of the song, morbid yet uplifting? i don't know what it is exactly. it reminds me a little bit of eminem's stan. love the song, yet it's daunting if you wonder how someone could even think about it in the first place.

it feels so real. the emotions, the message, and horrifyingly the lightness of it all.

i especially like these lines:

" there's a boy here in town who says he'll love me forever,
who would have thought forever could be severed by
the sharp knife of a short life "

it's either from a real life experience, or the writer's morbid. maybe explains why i loved watching the addams family, perhaps?

Someone Like You

2011-05-28T03:13:00.001+08:00

About time I understood those words. From the way your hands glided, to the ends of your fingertips on me. Your case was upfront since the beginning, but was it so wrong of me to dream just for a second?

I think, I remember you said, I wish nothing but the best on you...
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Does It Resonate Yours

2011-05-25T11:44:00.005+08:00

" there is a reason i'd said i'd be happy alone.

it wasn't cause i thought i'd be happy alone.

it was because i thought if i loved someone,

and then it fell apart,

i might not make it.

it's easier to be alone.

because what if you learnt you need love?

and then you don't have it?

what if you like it?

and lean on it?

what if you shape your life around it?

and then,

it falls apart.

can you even survive that kind of pain?

losing love is like organ damage.

it's like dying.

the only difference is,

death ends.

this,

it could go on forever. "

-grey's s07e22-

A Touch Of Thought

2011-05-07T14:05:00.009+08:00

i get that everyone has a right to an opinion. or opinions for the matter of fact. opinions, the lovechild of creativity and guts. or just a point to show you weren't sleeping through the boring lecture or class.

see the funny thing about opinions is, sometimes people get so contradicting with it. take this for an example. went someone asks me where do i work, or what do i do, i tell them, "i'm a pilot". they assume i'm a captain, and i correct them i'm not. my rank is so-and-so, my designation in the chain of food, i mean command, is co-pilot.

"oooo so you're a co-pilot", they go. "what do you do? since the captain flies the plane, you just sit there? fancy job".

then i explain the whole nature of my job, the task-sharing, and such, but they just end it off with "so you don't really fly the plane".

this is where i start my search for a noose. but God blessed me with perseverance, so i take a deep breath instead, and just smile. i smile a lot.

the flip side of people on the other hand, comes out to play when they experience an uncomfortable landing. a quick remark, "must be the co-pilot".

thank you. but point to note, we can land airplanes too.

*******

i don't really follow idol these days, but i do watch if i have the time. i think haley reinhart has improved the most this season. she's got an amazing voice, and she's starting to choose the right songs. i don't think the judges have been all fair on her performances. i wish she would win, but reason she won't win: i think she still lacks stage presence. ahhh but experience would cover that.

i think james screams too much, and it's unfair he going offtune just because he's emotional is forgiven and forgotten. we don't need another lambert. i can't even comprehend how you can call whatever scotty is doing as singing. and lauren is just mediocre. haley ftw? who am i kidding.

Two Chairs

2011-04-27T23:56:00.000+08:00

two chairs stood there,

you sat in one,

it looked like you were waiting,

"for me?" i kept thinking.

two chairs stood there,

nonchalantly you whisked me everywhere,

like i knew your past and you knew mine,

on my face you painted a smile so childlike.

you rattled stories seemingly careless,

unknown to me this beguiling world of yours,

piece by piece i patched the scene,

no time i had to even ask your name.

second day and you quizzed my day,

as soon as i walked in you had your first say,

i lament the mundane; what was going through my head?

you took no note then went ahead.

first out came the past,

trivial matters of the lost,

then the sorrows ensued,

my knees went weak and in that chair i slumped.

following day you were by the window sill,

you began with all your wants and will,

i noticed for the first time you were an enthusiast,

i drowned at that sight while sinking into seat.

through the window pane the beams gently fell,

such a beauty had got me under a bewildering spell,

then in all fascination it occurred to me,

i knew your past, your future, but never your name.

two chairs stood there,

you sat in one,

it looked like you were waiting,

"for me?" i kept thinking.

but darkness had fell over the room,

and the light in your eyes was covered in gloom,

i took the seat and asked if you were okay,

"this chair is taken", and you turned away.

Am I In This Alone

2011-04-24T10:28:00.004+08:00

back home in jb for the weekend. i need a break. it's been a low in april. i need a dose of happiness. and maybe some tlc? nothing home, can't cure. who knows what else i might find here that i haven't already found. everything changes, right? life unexpected.

currently addicted to this song. hope you guys enjoy it. it took me nearly a week trying to figure out the artist and title. nearly made me go crazy. i'm like a level below curiosity killed the cat. i'd probably get checked into a mental hospital instead of an ICU.

" Normally I try to run,
And I might even want to hide,
Cause I never knew what I wanted,
Till I looked into your eyes.
So am I in this alone?
What I'm looking for is a sign,
That you feel how I feel for you,
Baby please don't let me go."

love the musical feeling of the video from the first chorus on. a day dream of sort. like a wedding. which reminds me, bring on the bride and groom next month! it's gonna be a celebration.

If Darkness Falls

2011-04-06T20:28:00.003+08:00

what would you do?

sometimes i fear this happening. what if i open my eyes one day, and everything turns black? there is emptiness staring me dead in the eyes, yet i know it's not the case. sight is everything to me. i love to read, i enjoy movies, i need it for my job.

little things we always take granted.

if only all of us could take life in it's stride like how zach does, i think we'd see life in very different angles. please do read this.

it's worth your time, guaranteed.

Price Tag

2011-04-03T16:03:00.003+08:00

the other day, the sister and family came up to kl for a surprise visit.

so the next day during breakfast, there was only wholemeal bread in the house. again, it was a surprise visit, and hence i couldn't prepare their "welcome". now no kids i know actually likes wholemeal. they prefer white bread, and if i knew they were gonna be staying with me, i'd buy white bread.

i was being too nice. kids hate wholemeal bread.

so when IvanTheTerrible saw me chomping on my bread, he quizzed:

"uncle sharman, why you buy the wrong bread? this not nice one. yuck".

ahhhh brutal kid honesty. but how do i explain that i intentionally bought that bread? because not a single reason seems to be good enough to overcome the "yuck" statement.

on a random note. i wanna own a house sometime in the future. i don't really care what the house looks like, but i want a big lawn. i want a house and lawn because i wanna keep a dog. a golden retriever. and he needs to run. yes, it will be a he. if he's behaved, he'll have his own bitch. she will be smaller. maybe one from the pound. i think it's pitiful if you keep a dog and not allow it to run. and being in kl, there's no parks to bring your dog for a run.

and being in kl, that kinda house, i can just dream of owning with such a price tag.

24 And More

2011-03-26T17:34:00.002+08:00

turning 24 didn't have any of the hype as the previous years. there wasn't a countdown like I usually do. it was a quiet one as i ran off to cambodia.

and what a blast i had. it's the little surprises that leave such a sickening smile on my face. life will only get better here on forth.

sometimes we need to see the worse to appreciate all the good in life.

and sometimes we need a wild night to give life a much needed wake up call. a reason to work, a reason to get out of bed, a reason to laugh and have a ball.

keep the beat thumping, cheers all!

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

I'd Catch A Grenade, But Not This

2011-03-17T02:10:00.003+08:00

do any of you out there shop at jusco?

there has never been anything more annoying mankind has created, than their autopay machine. you know the annoying yellow one that talks and talks non-stop even though you're ahead of her instructions by the speed of light. yes, that one!

well i found out, it can get even more annoying.

try playing it in bahasa.

suicidal, i swear.

Runny Brains

2011-03-13T19:29:00.004+08:00

march is here, and we keep marching on. for what, i'm still searching for the answer.

anyways, did any of you read about the varsity elections few weeks back? honestly speaking, i have no idea what's with the big hoo-haa of it all. seriously, how much power and authority are you going to gain? or maybe the experience? really how many employers are going to give a damn about that in your resume?

especially with the ridiculous child's play that went on. SERIOUSLY PATHETIC PEOPLE INVOLVED, you guys go on a rampage destroying public property for?! you expect people to put trust in you when you behave like that? whatever monetary allocation that could have been put to good use (a subjective thought considering money always go to the wrong people), now will be used to repair the damages. it annoys the freaking hell of me because for one, i'm a tax player. that money you waste, is my money too.

number two, seriously why are we wasting money sending these kinds of people to study, when obviously it's a deficit, rather than a gain to society?

number three, omg the money. what a waste.

number four, is this any indication of our future politicians? i seriously think WWE is far more entertaining. with the tv switched off nowadays. but at least they are being paid for the entertainment, not in this case. let's get ready for a bigger zoo negara.

some people will never grow, will they? which brings me to the Interlok debacle. the intentions maybe "wonderful". but let's be honest here. not everyone involved in this whole situation, are mature and would look at it, the way it is suppose to. there will always be the cynics, the minorities, the ignorants, the fools. be it student or educator.

*******

usually during departure from runway 04 out of penang island,

you'd most likely see penang bridge on the right side.

the co-pilot's side.

the other day as we took off,

captain turned to me and hastily said,

"look outside....

penang bridge clear or not?"

"urmmm. yes?", i replied.

"faster call hitz fm. be a cruiser.

tell them the bridge clear".

it was so long since i laughed so much at a lame joke.

i think i teared up.

Bring It All Back To MFM

2011-02-19T17:36:00.006+08:00

i have a little phobia flying to macau.

back during line training, i used to do many macau flights. well, suffice to say, it wasn't pleasant. i was new and still learning. it was training, and expectations were high. plus, it was waaaayyyy over there over the sea, and many borders later, far away from my comfort zone of malaysia, a new route, new procedures, and so foreign to me.

no matter how much preparation, i could not even slightly imagine what to expect for my first time there.

so when i was called to be an extra crew for a training flight to macau recently, i had all the flashbacks of when i was in training. it made me queasy. it reminded me of the sleepless nights, the unanswerable questions that i had perfectly logical explanations just prior to it being asked, and the confusion of simplest procedures. it was scary. i felt like i was under training again.

but there was also a very funny incident on my first flight to macau that i will never forget, and even sometimes laugh to myself when i think about it. see standard aviation language is english. the standardization is important so other aircrafts in the vicinity knows what's going on, or where they are and what they are doing. it builds situational awareness.

so the first time i entered china airspace, not only was i bewildered by their accent, but also by the fact that they spoke mandArin to each other. hell my mandArin sucks, but i know mandArin when i hear it!

i remembered turning to my captain with a confused face of a person akin to seeing flying pigs and commenting,

" they're speaking chinese?! "

he laughed. i did not.

well at least now i do. especially when i hear them say,

"radar kan tao le".

i always let out a little chuckle hearing them say that. east meets west.

*******

"no furniture was so charming as books,

someone famously said.

people simply buy more books than they can read.

in the same breath,

humankind writes more than it can read. "

-something i read in NST today-

Usher Me A Welcome

2011-02-05T19:18:00.000+08:00

today, at last i get to celebrate the lunar new year. got my red t-shirt out, got my red undies on, got the family all together for the reunion, albeit two days late but it don't matter. i'll take it as it is.

here's wishing all a great rabbit year ahead filled with good food, laughter, and wonderful memories with those who count!

and may my grandma's words of wishing come true soon :)
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Take 'Em Off

2011-02-01T19:41:00.005+08:00

'Cos they ain't been through the things that you put me through,

And they ain't seen all the things that I seen in you

And they ain't never cried the tears you made me cry,

So they can't be the judge

one of the most underrated artist in recent times. anyways, the song has a really good meaning. not in the context of relationships only. one i always believe in. that nobody will know the shit you're going through, except you.

so they can't be the judge.

only you can.

Unfair Side Of Being Blood-Bonded

2011-01-30T22:46:00.002+08:00

way back in the years before my existence was even contemplated (or even if it ever was but that's not part of the post), two of my elder cousins used to live with my parents as their parents were abroad. my parents took care of em like their own in the absence of my aunt and uncle.

or should i say, even better?

through flashback stories i learnt my mother decided one day to teach my dear cousin to drive. i'm sure they had driving schools back then, but i guess my mom wanted the american experience of teaching their own kids to drive. so off they went into the mini.

with no basic knowledge of driving, my cousin in the driver's seat of course. so the cousin sets the gear into reverse. releases clutch, presses down the accelerator and car reverses perfectly. till she panics when mom says to brake.

she floors the accelerator.

into a drain.

and my mom's reaction? she laughs. she laughs so hard she turns red as how i'd laugh when i find anything associated with cyndi lauper.

fast forward twenty years later, i'm sure mother wouldn't have laughed if i got her car into an accident.

wait. that's not what i wanted to blog. my point is, my mother taught my cousin to drive when the cousin was nowhere near the legal age to drive. ironically, my mother never let me turn the ignition when i was legal AND already taking driving lessons. she'd say wait till you get your licence. so you could figure how astounded i was when i heard this new bit of story.

"SHE LET YOU DRIVE? SHE DIDN'T EVEN LET ME SEAT IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT!"

"you all the real children. so maybe that's why she treat you differently", cousin tries to console me.

hmphhhh *double standards*

Last Night

2011-01-28T13:31:00.003+08:00

i had the oddest dream last night. i had a dream that someone shaved off half my eyebrow away. and i had tried to go around life like everything was normal, sugar dandy fine as though nothing had happened. and in the dream, i succeeded.

lol.

if only life was as smooth sailing as dreams could be.

Don't Mess, I Am Yin Fire Wabbit

2011-01-25T13:18:00.003+08:00

*taken from the sun*

"people born in the year of the rabbit often make ideal diplomats or politicians as they are imbued with grace, culture and beautiful manners. this makes them very hospitable and attentive people who take care of those around them.

although rabbit people get on well with everyone, at heart they are basically reserved creatures and are only really happy when they are engrossed in some sort of scholarly or intellectual activity.

most rabbit people harp on the importance of details, paying close attention to everything from colour, design and furniture to food and conversation. and only when they are sure that everything has been arranged as they wished, can they relax and have fun.

rabbit people often lead a conservative lifestyle with their security being their most important consideration. this quality of opting for safety over risk may cause them to miss good opportunities. but they do not thrive in a competitive or aggressive environment. they get anxious if forced to take risks and are unsettled by unpredictable situations.

however, rabbit people are sensitive to the world around them and can be sentimental and compassionate. they are easily moved by other people's personal problems.

romance

rabbit people make great partners in relationships. being romantic, sweet and faithful, they never lack for suitors. however, they are in extreme need of trust, security and tenderness in a relationship and are really happy when they manage to create an intimate and relaxed atmosphere.

they expect their beloved to be on the same wavelengths as them and any hurtful or careless comment will lead them to withdraw into their shell and place serious doubts in their mind.

in spite of their devotion to their loved ones, rabbit people also demand alone time for themselves. sometimes, it takes time for them to find a partner but when they find their soulmate, their attachment is boundless.

the rabbit is compatible with the goat, boar and dog, less compatible with the rat, rabbit, dragon, ox, tiger, snake and monkey; and least compatible with the rooster and horse.

career

call them cautious or call them timid, rabbit people will undertake nothing before weighing all the pros and cons from every angle. that is probably why rabbit people do their work so well.

they are balanced in outlook and cautious in approach, and like to be informed of all the facts before making a judgement. they usually cannot bear the cut and thrust of business life, preferring work that is more methodical and reliable.

at times, they tend to be too conservative in their thinking but are gifted with a positive yet practical outlook that few can fault. they also have a talent to avoid trouble and identify opportunities.

but it important to remember that their creative talents come to the fore only when they are allowed to work at their own pace. so the ideal jobs for the rabbit people are for example, as a counsellor, barrister, judge, solicitor, adviser, or secretary.

as a rule, colleagues value the rabbit people's tact and modesty and the fact that they are unlikely to step over others to achieve their goals."

i don't really believe in horoscope readings, but i have to say a lot of it is true. i just won't be believing the "fortunes" of my year to come ;)

All The Way Underwear

2011-01-23T18:42:00.003+08:00

at the usual tea time hangout with the cousins and aunty.

aunty: you know your uncle only buys white coloured underwear.

me: what?!

aunty: ya. until now, he only buys white underwear. whether it's byford or crocodile, it must be white.

me: omg. i never buy white underwear.

cousin: uh huh. yours is like orange, and red, and green.

me: hehe yeaaa. striking green.

cousin: yup striking green. and the red also like wow from the other end of the road you see it hanging, you go "hey that's sharman's underwear!"

me: lol. omg uncle will die if he sees my underwear. the more crazy the colour, the more i'd buy it.

cousin: lucky your pants are black. if white pants the stewardess would say, "hey FO hari ni pakai warna hijau" and you would be wtf till you go and pee and realize you're wearing green underwear hahaha

the things we talk about sometimes, priceless.

*******

who ever started the myth,

really just wanted to make you look like a fool

when they said

there's a treasure at the end of the rainbow.

there's no end if it's a circle.

stop living in a dream.

No Seating On Fences

2011-01-21T12:04:00.003+08:00

i found this piece of writing few weeks back:

with friends,

there just needs no reason for the things we do.

The Thing About Being Indian

2011-01-15T13:46:00.003+08:00

one: you have way too much family. the other day at an aunt's place, a distant aunt came over with her family for a visit. so we sat over tea, ate, chatted, joked, story-told, then ate some more.

then the infamous indian goodbye. for those of you who don't know, the indian goodbye is when indians say goodbye to someone, but end up actually having more conversations than before. actual departure from the first goodbye, could take an average of half an hour. and this is me being conservatively nice. in that period of time, countless of goodbyes would be bade, but not a step taken towards the door. sometimes, participants head further away from the exit. in that period of time, suddenly there would be a tsunami of topics to be discussed. over and over again. recipes to be shared, numbers to be exchanged, address to be taken, who died, who did not die, family drama, etc etc. i guess standing up and talking would seem less rude and imposing to the host.

anyways, back to topic. after the whole tea-session and family reuniting, the distant aunt comes over to hug me goodbye, then says, "i don't think you even know me right?"

"aunty, i was at your daughter's wedding last year", i reply.

O.o

see. there's just too many of us to know everyone.

*******

two: you get lame jokes.

asked by my uncle, do you know why the airplane takes off with the nose in the air? then he does a motion with his hand similar to a take off, fingers pointing to the air first.

so i say "no" because i've never learnt aerodynamics or about bernoulli's principle in my life.

uncle: because there's always more people in the economic seats in the back, then first-class customers in the front.

principle of flight 101 y'all!

This December

2010-12-21T13:09:00.001+08:00

december is always a bittersweet moment. the end of the year to reflect what exactly we've done, achieved, and reached short of. it's a time to soothe the mind by saying "we'll get it right next year", but do we ever? there's nothing like broken promises with ourselves.

it's always easy to forget the little important things we've done, at least for me. the friendships we've gained, the memories we've saved, the things we've learnt along the way, and situations we swear never to get involved with again. this year, i will acknowledge my shortfalls because i am only human to make mistakes. but this year as well, i am more thankful for everything i have. i am only getting older by the day, why live in regret?

december marks important birth dates for me. two of 'em my nephews. IvanTheTerrible on the 1st, and NigelBiscuitBoy on the 12th. it cracked me up when NBB grunted, "kor kor always celebrate his birthday on december one. mine on the december 12. next year i want to be first. i want to celebrate on december one". how do you explain to a kid that he can't choose his birth date?

then there's ITT. i was 16 when he arrived and officially "upgraded" me to uncle status. now he's seven. it's amazing to see him all grown up, but can't say the same with the uncle :p

the other day, he started reading my not-so-kid-friendly tee. "please do not touch, lick, stroke, or mount the exhibit". wowww kid. since when you learnt how to read so well?! thank God he didn't know the meaning.

it's so easy to get drifted away with the unnecessary. i just wanna live it to the fullest, love family and friends, and enjoy life while i can. wishing all a helluva year-end fiesta!

*******

" if you can make it through the first weeks and months,

if you believe that healing is possible,

then you can get your life back.

but that's a big 'if'. "

-grey's anatomy s07e10-

On The Breakfast Medley

2010-12-17T10:26:00.002+08:00

Aircraft: establish localizer 11 right.

Controller: are you sure?

I burst out laughing when I heard that. Its not standard words to be used, and the way the controller questioned the aircraft, I wasn't sure if it was disbelief or just trying to fool around.

I know lame. But who cares. Its STILL my blog.

Anyways, as I looked through the newspaper, there was an ad about an education fair. As usual, one of the highlights were career guidance, to see what "profession" suits you best.

I'm thinking of heading there just for the fun of it, and see what they think I should be doing. Wonder what they'll make of "my future"...

Never really believed in it. Do you? I mean if certain people were meant to be doing only a certain type of job, then I don't think life would be what it is. There won't be excitement or diversity or versatility or creativity or controversy if everyone was just like-minded and hey-ho-hum-dee-dum-dum agreeable on everything. Sure, there'll be a lot less miserable people, but I don't believe in stereotyping.

I don't wanna live inside these lines you drew for me.

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Toiletbowl Read

2010-12-11T15:44:00.001+08:00

The internet at home is out, got struck by lightning. Hence the absence from the cyber world. Oh gosh. I'm such a tech noob, even noob would be an overstatement.

Anyways, as always so much to say, so lazy to type it out. Especially now from the bb. Will leave y'all with a pic instead. Seriously people, don't you have standards to go by before you go public? Some people need to be damned for such an eyesore.

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Spread Some Jam

2010-11-18T19:45:00.001+08:00

after twelve days of bumming, it was finally time to get back to work. reality check, and a rude awakening from this slumber, i wasn't ready to head back to work. but i had to.

who was gonna support me? :P

i must admit, i was a little apprehensive heading back to the office. after such a long hiatus, skills were becoming a bit rusty. thankfully, captain was understanding and helpful. eased me back to the flow and order of it all. certain things have changed though. like the weather has become notorious, and the airspace in kl has become pretty congested.

as we headed back to kl, flying in from the east towards the peninsula just before kuala terengganu, we're given information to slow down and cross a certain waypoint at a given time. i laughed at a thought.

my friends out of aviation usually ask, jokingly, "how's the traffic up there? got traffic jam or not?". i'm not sure what kind of answer they expect, but they are always stunned when i say it's crazy up there in the skies. it's too high in the sky for you to see what's going on, but if only you knew how busy it was. commercial aircrafts are huge, but up at 20-odd thousand feet, we are invisible in the sky.

just to be clear, there are no traffic lights or road blocks up there.

instead, our traffic jam works differently. either: one, we slow down (you can hear the engines calm down significantly), or two, we do holding patterns in the sky. nope not funky moves, holding patterns are race course tracks. so if you feel your aircraft is turning 180degress every minute, well then you know there's a "traffic jam". and this seems to be the norm of late coming into kl. might be because of the surprising weather these days.

or maybe my friends are just stunned that i'm so explanatory. can't help it. it's what i face everyday i go to work, and it's a huge deal to us and our stress levels. oh well. this is me.

*******

" you must be religious.

oh no not religious,

you're holy.

H-O-L-E-Y!

see the clouds spread apart for you,

like moses spreading the red sea,

you go between the legs,

always looking for hole.

i'm gonna tell your daddy,

you're so dirty minded.

don't want to fly with you again.

on ground look hole,

in the air also look hole (between clouds)!"

Livin' On A Prayer

2010-11-13T19:41:00.002+08:00

"you can't have your cake,

and eat it too."

isn't it ironic?

because,

"you dig your grave,

you lie in it."

Have a Little Faith

2010-11-11T14:10:00.003+08:00

As I read the first few pages from mitch albom's book, I felt like I was being transported back.

As much as I love writing, at that particular time, my mind froze. I could not phrase a sentence. I could not make out the meanings of words. At a time when my writing could come to good use, I could not. I could not figure my mind. My hands shivered. I trembled holding a pencil, even though I forgot how to write the alphabets. I could not feel.

It's still a situation I doubt I can handle. But as I looked up to the mute lady who came up to me trying to sell her keychains to earn an honest living, or the dude in a wheelchair who confidently maneuvered up and down the escalators like tony hawk on a skateboard, I think having a little faith in someone or something should be a wise place to start when you keep running away.

I always ran away. Maybe it's time to run the opposite direction.

*******

just got amazing news about a friend. life works in mysterious ways. karma is awesome, because good things happen to good people.

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

You Again

2010-11-09T10:17:00.002+08:00

during deepavali lunch, a close friend of mine saw my sister's wedding picture standing at the corner of the hall, to which she commented:

she: wow. you're sis never change!

me: what do you mean? *i didn't realize she saw the pic*

she: since she got married till now, she still look the same.

me: oh okay. she'll be very happy you said that :D

to which i conveyed the message to my mother since sis was out.

me: mom. she says anita never age.

mom: what?

she: your daughter. look the same from her wedding day till now. her skin so nice.

*mom just smiles*

she: your daughter's skin like glowing. so radiant.

mom: well she doesn't use any products. it's in the genes! *laughs*

friend then turns to me,

she: actually you also have it.

me: oh no. mine is all product :)

*******

i've finally got to cleaning up my stuff at home.

really backdated stuff from highschool.

stuff from 7years ago?

from my study table, study books, to all my clothes.

notes from school,

random notes,

cards,

resume for MAS,

bad pictures,

public speaking speech.

most have gone to the garbage bin.

can't hold on to the past for too long eh?

i want my colourful life,

away from the faded past.

I'll Be Your Rockstar

2010-11-05T11:54:00.001+08:00

i went to the doctors again yesterday because my tonsils are still irritating me. the usual doc wasn't in, think he went for festive holidays already. instead it was a lady doctor with an english accent. maybe she studied abroad? the conversation:

she: so what's the problem?

me: i had tonsils few days ago, it's gone down, but it's still irritating.

she: let's have a look.

*opens mouth*

she: well it's going down. not much i can do. should be back to normal in a few days. just a matter of time. i can't give you antibiotics.

me: but it's the festive season. i wanna be ok.

she: a bit too late for that :)

me: it's the festive season.

she: well stay away from spicy and oily food. like briyani, curry, muruku...

me: yea i'll stick to white rice this year.

she: *eyes wide open* yes. white rice. maybe some soup?

me: not part of the menu, but i'll see what mom can do *squints eyes* ... maybe some lozanges will help? since i'm already here. it gets hard to talk. there's phlegm when i speak. sometimes it's hard to finish a sentence. the throat is irritating me.

she: then don't talk *smiles*

me: (i didn't see that medical advice coming my way) i can't. it's part of my job. it's just very scratchy.

she: rockstar. maybe you're on your way to being a rockstar.

me *one eyebrow raised*

she: scratchy voice. husky. maybe you could be rod stewart. or are you too young to know who rod stewart is?

me: i know who he is.

am i not suppose to know who rod stewart is? or do i look like i just came out of highschool? hmmmm... but for the love of God. me singing? i cannot hold a note to save the queen of england and you think i can be a rockstar? that's too nice bordering sarcasm :P

*******

the other day while walking to the aircraft,

one of the crew asked me,

"besides your name, which part of you is indian?"

after thinking for a sufficient time,

trying to be the least crude,

i replied while lifting my pants,

"i've got hairy legs?"

then she stormed off while yelling,

"euwww. sharman. not this early in the morning.

damn disgusting."

i stress again,

i tried to be the least crude :P

happy deepavali everyone!

wishing you good food, good times,

and all good things!

Chasing Sunsets

2010-11-02T11:30:00.002+08:00

it's been quite a downer of a week. my watch strap has broken. now, the seconds needle has come loose. i don't want to get a new one because i love it. it was a present. too much value to be left forgotten. gotta get it fixed asap.

and to my horror, i dropped my love. not my car, of course. i can't possibly drop my car. my other love, my bb. now it's got a little crack at the top. my heart is shattered.

the other day, i forgot my airport pass when i went to work. luckily it was in my car. but you know, the carpark isn't exactly nearby. already the mighty sun was scorching, by the time i reached the office again, i looked and felt like i just came out the sauna.

i haven't been to the gym in ages. this belly isn't going away by itself, sharman. reason? carry on reading.

i had three days off which i spent wailing and still wailing from my omnipresent tonsilitis. i could barely speak at one point because it was so irritant. i couldn't fly because it was inflamed till my ears were blocked. i never got it this bad. yes, i'm considering getting it removed. does company insurance cover? hmmm...

that's a lot of whining. now, something to look forward to. annual leave starting the 4th. home, here i come. if i hadn't been to the gym in ages, well then i haven't been back in jb for decades. i miss home. deepavali with the family.

in the words of destiny's child, to spend some quality t-i-m-e.

i have this obsession. i think the sunsets i get to see, are amazing. it's quite a different view from up there. it feels like you're chasing it. but you're never getting there. everytime it's a game of despair. but i never give up. coz i know if i give up, it'll be the end of me. a pointless journey. for i always think of what could be. what if one day, i do catch up with the sunset as crazy as it sounds? what if one day everything falls into place? no more questions left unanswered? what if.

*******

in aviation telephony/pilot language,

"roger" basically means understand.

i don't know how the term came up,

i don't wanna know,

because it's a term i was taught not to use.

it's just a little too vague of a reply.

inconclusive.

anyway,

in india,

when you communicate with the air traffic controller,

they love to reply you with a "roger".

except,

it sounds more like a "raj".

silent "er" i guess?

it's a lame joke,

but everytime i get that,

i'd think,

"i'm no raj. i'm sharman"

so i literally laughed my ass off,

when the captain turned to me and said,

"who the **** is raj?!"

sheepishly.

Don't Stop, Get It Get It

2010-10-24T14:39:00.004+08:00

this month marks one year since i actually laid my ass in an actual A320 co-pilot seat. this day would be exactly a year and a week of me sitting on the right hand seat.

i do feel proud. i never expected or dreamed to reach this far. sometimes, it still feels out of this world. all the early part of your life you spent studying, and look forward to the day you're actually worth something to society, and not just a wasted sperm. here i am now, one year into it, and loving it.

this is the autopilot, dear readers.

we still have to "manipulate" it. it makes life easier,

but that doesn't mean it requires zero brains to work it ;)

i know i whine about going to work a helluva lot of times. but honestly, when i'm the seat, i do enjoy the work. i like it when i'm introduced in the announcements as the co-pilot. just to reaffirm that my existence counts, you know? and the uniform, in the words of will smith, "i make this look good". lmao.

it's no full-fledged airline, and we don't aim to be. a lot of things we do here, all the knowledge we learn and use, i do appreciate. i don't think i'd get this much exposure and experience anywhere else. maybe in future i'll get bored of it, but for now, i'm savouring it.

time flies, and i don't feel like it's been a year at all. but recounting back the experience, i do feel i've learnt a lot. just last week i encountered wake turbulence during landing from a fellow A320 aircraft. i never expected that.

a lot of people think that flying is like driving. you get the keys and head out. but our "job" looks easy because what many don't understand, is that a lot of the work is done on ground. we don't just take off and head to our destinations. weather, notices, aircraft performances, flight plans (routes and fuel) needs to checked and calculated. in the aircraft, certificates, safety equipment, cockpit checks will be carried out. and a whole lot of other things, i won't bore you with the details.

the thing is, i used to get frustrated when people say my job is so nice. yes it is. but don't give me a trying-to-be-tear-jerker story that your life sucks. you've had your opportunities, mine came a little later. while you enjoyed your life initially, i did not. it's the choices we make that make the difference. the things i've had to put up with, wasn't easy. as my cousin always says, nobody will know what you're going through except yourself. i've never shared them with you, doesn't mean it never happened. i opted this.

i've met a lot of people in recent times. most have so much to say negatively. while i appreciate their opinions and right to individualism, as such i hold back my own comments because i choose to be this individual instead, i think the root of the problem would be your outlook on life. we've got our priorities on odds i think. so now, i don't bother getting my frustration levels riding high. i just sit and smile. least i can do.

moving on, while the company celebrates its phenomenal feat of 1,000,000,000th guest, i'm nearing my 1000 flying hours. one thousand hours in an airplane making haley williams wish come true. one thousand hours of having peoples' lives in my hand. one thousand hours of having a dream come true, and possibly making dreams realized for others too. may not be much of a feat for some, but for someone who was once climbing trees, it makes a difference.

my life is here and now. as cliche as it sounds, i'd do it over again, not one bit different.

Paint Me Yellow

2010-10-18T22:17:00.003+08:00

i don't speak for everyone on this. i admit, when the traffic gets heavy on the road, when i'm tired of singing to my favourites tunes like a deaf karaoke singer, i allow my eyes to wander like an unfaithful son of a gun.

it's nice to know, i'm not the only one doing it :)

-

2010-10-08T18:58:00.004+08:00

this episode of glee was haunting on so many levels.

even more so this song. i hate this feeling.

i can never understand why i have to experience it.

Don't Dream It's Over

2010-09-25T19:02:00.001+08:00

the aussie trip didn't work out. so around asia we went.

phuket-hong kong-bangkok. and now i'm in penang. back to kl tomorrow.

sweaty phuket, amazing hong kong, party bangkok. there's so much life out there. so much to do. i wish we had a longer time. i wish life was always like this. i wish for endless nights. i wish for a lot of things, i know. i always wanted to turn 23, now i know why. this is it. sometimes you have to go further to find what you're looking for and enjoy the moment.

definitely an unforgettable one. the experience, the journey, the people. missing them already.

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Signboards With No Direction

2010-09-19T11:23:00.004+08:00

i could not see anything. this room was so dark, chilly and endless. i could not find the doors, or maybe i just didn't want to. i can't remember when you crept in. your arrival, silent and unannounced, but i felt the temperature change. i can't remember when you crept in. i wasn't ready to move, but it felt good to have company. i wasn't sure who, what or where you were. or even if you were truly there. maybe you were just something out of my own creation. it was too dark to tell. i could not see you, but i felt you. but i felt you? like the heat of an expired breath in a desert. subtle. i felt myself relaxed. i felt alive. someone knew me better than me. discreet and comforting. you knew me, so much more, and you never said a word. i can't remember when you crept in, but i felt you. was i too silly? was i too naive? or maybe i just wanted you there. you came, you lingered, you thought it'd be okay to be silent. you left an undeniable imprint, intentional or not, i don't know. back then, i did not mind. but what if i know now, what you wished for to be a secret? now i was becoming claustrophobic. the walls closing in, yet i can't feel them. the ground slipping. palms sweaty. heart pounding. breaths short. why did you do this to me.

So Fazed

2010-09-18T12:18:00.004+08:00

as i thought about blogging this down two nights ago, i completely forgot about the wedding i was to attend yesterday. gave me extra gist to getting it posted.

i like weddings which i care about. i hate attending ones where i've no idea who the bride or groom are, but attend it anyways because of obligatory reasons. because, evil as it seems, when people you don't know show public affection, it's annoying. at the back of my mind, i just want to get it over and done with and head back home. you're delaying me, mr & mrs bridegroom.

i like weddings because it's a heart-felt celebration of two people. two people you know and care about, and want the best only for them because they deserve it.

the atmosphere. the people. oh the people, if you had family like mine, you'd understand.

the whole situation of getting everybody together and making a simple affair grand-er than usual, is hard to describe. like an endorphin release. you feel it, and you enjoy the feeling. the couples will go all out to make it perfect, and as memorable as possible. attendants, just sit back and enjoy the flight. the silly moments or unexpected events, make part of the memory too. like the champagne bottle not popping, outfits gone wrong, etc. not because it's a dent in the planning, but because of the couple's frantic reaction. can get over dramatic at times.

as awkward as it sounds, but i do like weddings. because above all, it's about family. it's about friends so close, they're family too. you don't see unconditional love in our day to day busy lives, so it's nice to be reminded it still exist. something that should be appreciated more.

i feel it's quite a bummer when you see people rushing to the altar just because. like it's a race of some sort. or something they just need to cross off on the how-to-live list written by someone nobody knows from yesteryears, and not on their bucket list.

i was disillusioned by that, i must admit. we can't force things, just because we feel we need to and only realize the gravity of it once it's too late. i feared i was being eluded of the right to being celebrated about. but i've learnt, being the bestman should account for something?

always the bestman, never the groom, perhaps?

i can get used to that.

Remember In September

2010-09-15T01:34:00.006+08:00

it's september already! damn that's fast. it's weird how i've gone through the year/life not realizing what's been around. i can't pinpoint what i've been doing the past year. i guess solidifying the career path is one, but other than that, i'm not sure. it's just a little messy. obscure very much.

truth be told, it's a bit of a train wreck. or maybe i'm just being paranoid. most times, we learn things in life after the mess, don't we? nothing is planned like a textbook. so maybe this is just the way it is suppose to be. maybe not knowing and feeling insecure, is the norm. maybe this is life served on a platter, sharman.

anyways, while i've been treading murky waters figuring life, this little boy has turn one already. third nephew, yet it's always fulfilling to see them grow up. hard to imagine he's grown so much but this is one heartbreaker in the making definitely. move over will.i.am, the real deal's here!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JGG!

may you grow up handsomely,

coz looks will always matter regardless of what people say.

(sheesh... what kinda uncle...)

and never forget that because you're my nephew, i had a lot of blow jobs done for your first birthday. things i do for you lil guy.

ps: a belated selamat hari raya to all. i had to forgo my rendang this year because i had to work. happy belated birthday to the flyfreak, and a happy future birthday to the foxtrot. may both of you always have orgasmic days lying in front of you!

Doing It Continental Soldier Style

2010-09-03T18:54:00.006+08:00

few years ago, there was this song by jibbs "chain hang low". it had the chorus sung by kids, which was based on a nursery rhyme. it goes like this:

" Do your chain hang low
Do it wobble to the floor
Do it shine in the light
Is it platinum, Is it gold
Could you throw it over ya shoulda
If ya hot, it make ya cold
Do your chain hang low "

does it ring any bells?

anyway, this chorus is based on a nursery rhyme "ears hang low". and quite recently i've inadvertently watched barney (yes the purple dinosaur), because i'm staying with my cousin who has two kids at the barney stage. first time in my life i heard what he sang:

" Do Your Ears Hang Low?
Do They Wobble to and Fro?
Can You Tie Them in a Knot?
Can You Tie Them in a Bow?
Can You Throw Them Over Your Shoulder Like a Continental Soldier?

Do Your Ears Hang Low "

at this point my cousin and i go:

"what the hell is a continental soldier?!"

after some ridiculous debate about what it means, we decided google would be the best answer to our confusion. so i typed "what's a continental soldier" and googled it.

try it out yourself. check the first link that comes up by urban dictionary. you'd start to wonder what in the world is barney watching/doing/singing. it's more of a barney stinson, than barney the dinosaur.

p/s atta, this adds more whatthefuck moments to childhood memories.

For The Love Of Music

2010-08-24T22:53:00.003+08:00

i love music. mainstream or not, if it catches my liking, i'd play it over and over again. however, that's not what i wanna blog about.

instead, ever had the experience where you listen to songs, and can't quite catch the lyrics because some singers are very clear with their words? or because of censorship, the word becomes something else?

my cousin's son used to sing, "rock it baby one more time", instead of "hit me baby one more time". then another would sing "pa sup pa na me na", to the "funk phenomena". or secondhand serenade's fall for you from "because a girl like you is impossible to find", is heard as "because a girl i kill is impossible to find".

the other day while driving back from work, tlc's "no scrubs" played. i still sing it incorrectly even though very consciously i know it makes no sense. "always talking about what he wants, and just sits on his broke ass", becomes "always talking about what he wants, and just sits on his vocabs" because ass is censored on the radio and apparently that was a bad word so i never knew the real lyrics till the internet many years later. it really does sound like vocabs to me with the censorship.

but the winner has to be my cousin's wrong understanding of iyaz's replay. know the part he sings "it's like my ipod stuck on replay"?

she asked me:

but i don't understand why he sings

"it's like my eyeballs stuck on replay"

how about you? any experiences?

*******

don't you just love looking at saphanloi?

i laughed every time i saw him on screen. damn cute.

oh saphanloi is the dog in "best of times".

i couldn't get a better pic of him, so this will have to do.

Maybe I'll Just Stand Here For Now

2010-08-21T16:10:00.001+08:00

there's been a block between the thinking thoughts and the stream that connects to fingers that blog as you can see. it's been awhile. there's always so much to say. but sometimes there's always too much to think. it's annoying.

some of us have this despicable trait of over-thinking of what could be, might be, then how. i wish i hadn't. but sometimes situation places me there. life would be much simpler if it were just don't ask, don't tell.

the bigger picture, just isn't big enough for you to see.

moving along now ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. the highlight of my flight yesterday:

my captain looked like kenny sia.

seriously. as in kenny sia the blogger at www.kennysia.com as in there's no other person named kenny sia except kenny sia the blogger.

omg. i felt like laughing my butt off everytime i turned my head to the left to speak to him because i kept picturing those silly pics kenny sia would post on his blog. thank God capt was nice so i didn't have to keep a straight face. the laugh had to be mellowed down to a snigger. believe me, i wasn't sniggering for the jokes or stories, but because of the said reason above. i can't wait to tell my friends that kenny sia is a pilot, but i think only one of them would actually know who kenny sia is.

oh on a random note, the other day at chilis with my cousin, i sat at the bar and ordered a beer.

first time in my life, i got asked my aged. as in whether i'm legal to drink. and here i've been going to clubs way before i finished school.

i know i look young. people usually think either i'm still studying (not too bad), or just finished highschool (what the...). and some people look for fresh meat. i almost got picked up at a bar by a cougar-looking lady.

show me some love, then i might consider ;P

funny how pleasant times,

with pleasant company,

can be tarnished by unpleasant people.

Laptops Can Be Dangerous

2010-07-20T19:20:00.004+08:00

watching HIMYM with a six year old can be dangerous.

i was enjoying season 1, one of the last few episodes about how lily and robin crashed a prom to check out the band to hire for marshall and lily's wedding, halfway through my cousin's daughter joins me on the laptop.

i thought there couldn't be anything wrong with letting her join. i didn't think of the actual consequences.

so in that episode lily speaks about some regrets like not having done any lesbian acts.

okay first mistake. i wasn't sure if she actually said lesbian because of the interference from the tv behind me. hence, i let it pass.

then they kiss. second mistake.

niece: girls kiss?

me: ermmm.. they are sisters.

niece: but girls kiss each other? *with slight disgust*

me: ya. like how you kiss your sister. sisters can kiss each other right...

niece: ohhhh

first and last episode of HIMYM i'm watching with this little girl. or matter fact, anything on my laptop. too darn dangerous.

this guy is legendary. the show would not be the same without him. who's your fav?

You Got Me Speechless

2010-07-14T16:33:00.006+08:00

at the terminal the other day while walking to the aircraft, one of the captains i've flown with loudly called me a "fake indian".

i could only chuckle in reply. in my defense, i'm only half indian :)

the cleaner of the apron in the shenzhen airport.

unusual right?

and if you think just because he rides a bicycle that shenzhen must be a small town, well it's not. it's huge. huge-er than kl.

usually on long flights like to shenzhen, captains and first officers try to entertain each other by talking random stuff. so we don't fall asleep. usually the talk would bounce about topics like who i'm dating, if she's a crew, why are you single etc etc. yes. some days i'm single, some days i'm not. it's complicated. and of recent, the world cup was a hot topic. unsurprisingly.

anyways, one of the captains concluded that i "look like a happy person".

i think it's more of, at work, i try to be as happy as possible so it doesn't feel so much of a work. and i've realized, if i try to be happy, then i get happy back. kinda like good karma. i've experienced going to the airport with a heavy heart, and the day would turn out even worse than how it began.

so since then, i always try to leave everything behind when i go to work.

that's exactly why i think secrets are important. even in relationships. keeping some details to yourself, not asking you to lie but to keep some to ourselves, is always good. it keeps us sane. it makes situations easier to deal with, sometimes. it allows us to grow as a person, by learning to deal with situations.

though some of us just need the reality check every so often.

so if that's the case, there's always justin bieber to sing-a-long to. because how can that not lift your spirits up?! knowing you have a great voice.

*******

in the cockpit

him: in bangkok, i'm married. in kl, no. you?

me: for now, not married. single. no one.

him: so no one?

me: yup :)

him: no one love you?

now that sounds pathetic when you put it that way

him: if no girl love you, try boy.

then he burst out laughing. this coming from someone who usually is as quiet as a rock. seriously dude, i'm not used to this. for a second, i thought you were possessed.

me---> O.o wtf.

TV Is Not Idiotic

2010-07-07T19:14:00.003+08:00

" you can't go through life allowing pain to dictate how you behave. it's easy to sit here in your bedroom and wallow in your hurt feelings. it's hard to rise above it. "

-parenthood-

i'm loving how innovative blogspot has become with all its easy to do layout editing. but sadly it's taken away my colour privileges, font adjustments, and post positioning. oh well. can't get everything. like how i always believe, you get something good, and you lose something else, then you're back at square one.

on another random note, i'm starting to look really crappy. unnecessary stress and sleep deprivation is really sucking the life out of me. may everything go well this coming crazy days. can't wait to get it over and done with.

i'll try not to drive myself crazy.

I Need Somebody To Love

2010-07-06T15:02:00.005+08:00

quite the contrary actually. i am constantly being probed about my relationship status, as though it is a cause of worry. in my wildest dreams, i would never want to settle down as yet. i think, at 23, there is abundance to be seen.

there is no rush. neither do i want to be dependent. i prefer the idea of getting to know people, than taking things serious down the rocky path. less the risk, less the pain, but why sour my youth? what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger, you say? i think i've had my fair share of that.

thing is, we get it over our heads that we need to achieve this and that; we need to do this because somebody is waiting, and more often than not, we jump into things weighing the perceptions and not contemplating the truth. pressured some sort. maybe we need to believe a little more in the old saying:

" if you love someone, set them free. if they come back, they're yours. if they don't, they never were. "

okay a bit off, but don't suffocate them...

because things will come to an end. like bali.

sometimes, good things have to come to an end, else they'd never be memories. and if we hold on too tight, we'd just be drowning from the lost rather than moving on. moving on to a possibility of another escapade.

in the meantime, walking alone is good.

Get A Ticket

2010-06-29T00:50:00.003+08:00

i had a little not-so-friendly charade all acted out in my mind. there were significant reasons for me to scheme this plan out, unfortunately the mind fizzled out when the curtains came up for me to take the stage.

i was distracted.

i was caught off guard. thus, everything just shattered. every cruel intentions i had, no longer are applicable. because i had to be ignorant for it to be applied. after tonight, i had given someone dignity of some sort which they don't deserve. i had given them the truth of the grapevine and hence now i have to behave normally towards them.

i was distracted.

but who cares. i was distracted because of bali baby! wheeeeeeee!!!

Faded Mess

2010-06-23T00:11:00.000+08:00

Certain events in life, never go forgotten. It leaves an impression. An impression that sometimes gets you gasping for air.

The mistakes in daily routines do not apply. It's those uncomfortable situations that have a haunting effect. How do you react to a situation that's foreign from your day-to-day self, that's unheard of in your texts you've been trained to battle? Some of us aren't lucky to get it right first time around.

Some of us get situations without any right solutions at all.

We're left feeling cornered, unaccustomed to this tiny space and alienated. There is no lifeline, because there is no right answer. We start to gasp, choking on our own breaths and saliva. You start feeling cold, palms pale, your fingers tremble. What do you do? You look for someone to make sense of it all.

But you're alone. It's just you against all these uninvited guest into your sanctuary.

"Toughen up". You avoid this eclipse by building this wall, creating this persona of a being so far off from your true self, this persona is a lifeless body with a beating heart and a pair of lungs. Foolishly, this works. You wait till it's safe to come out again, till you convince yourself you will never be put in that same corner ever again.

But it happens again, like a nightmare every fortnight, or even year after year. You detach yourself into this solitude state, because you feel safe living without a voice, heart, or soul.

No one else will understand. I never asked you to.

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Bread, Butter And A Cup Of Tea

2010-06-15T00:14:00.001+08:00

That's my dinner. I'm so hungry, I've got no appetite. I'm feeling under the weather radar.

Oh yes I'm in my sick mood. And as usual, I become extraordinarily hungry when I'm sick but since there's no one to cook for me hence this will make do but I don't mind, eat your dinner like a pauper they say!

I'm am more annoyed by the fact that my biggest dream now is to sneeze so hard and fulfilling that I'd be so satisfied till this itch of wanting to sneeze will be gone forever.

Maybe I should remove my tonsils. It started with that. Does insurance cover that???

Well positive thoughts, at least my nose didn't leak through the sim session. Jen, I only took one pill, because said pill makes me quite zoned out. Thank you all happy people for your wishes!

Seriously, I need to sneeze more satisfyingly till it doesn't itch anymore, till my stomach giggles so hard from the after effect. This life feels so incomplete without that sneeze.

On the random-est note, one way to confirm to get lost finding your way, is to have the wrong address. My 2cents worth. Good night y'all!

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

My Mom's Cooler Than Yours

2010-06-12T15:41:00.006+08:00

flew to calcutta few weeks back. it was my first indian destination. there wasn't anything historic about it, except it being my first time into india.

oh wait. there were stories. just not those i can share so openly :D

the time difference was interesting. okay, it's only two and half hours difference, not like those of you who've been to europe/america/australia but let me blab anyways. it was quite odd because on the way back to kl, it was 8+pm and yet bright as hell. we were somewhere near myanmar at that time, running away from the sun, flying into the sunset. my stomach was rumbling for dinner, but my mind couldn't fathom the bright sun.

lesson learnt, when in doubt, trust your tummy!

*******

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?" The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment. "

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.

And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends".

- wanna guess who sent me this email? -

Snap A Pic, Then Snap Some More

2010-05-29T02:02:00.000+08:00

what island is that?

ship ahoy!

loads of ships around.

awesome hong kong!

damn good visibility as you can see.

we could even see macau at the other side of the sea when landing in hong kong!

very rare because it's usually misty over here. couldn't get a pic of that unfortunately.

too dangerous to be taking pictures then.

beautiful, no?

did my first flight to hong kong at the beginning of the month. was awe-struck because hong kong is so pleasant. i ain't no flyfreak. he been there too many times already :P

and the weather was so awesome. really complemented the whole experience. there's just an energy and the place itself. something exciting, even though this coming from just a 25-minute turn-around view. if i could, i wanna live in hong kong someday.

it was that awesome.

plus, their reporting waypoints in the hong kong airspace really makes you hungry. names like: guava, chery, mango, lime, prawn, trout, tunna, lotus, pecan, acorn.

sounds a bit like something from a fantasy world.

i love hong kong. too early?

*******

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

- 2AM (breathe) by anna nalick -

I Was Like... Ok?

2010-05-27T11:15:00.004+08:00

i have never gotten a speeding ticket prior to this. so i had no idea what the procedure was, except for the little scene on "friends" when ross gets a ticket for driving really slow.

so anyway, the other day, i got pulled over for speeding. here's the little conversation between the officer and the gentleman(hahahaha). i think it sounds better if i keep it in the original language.

him: satu tiga tujuh.

me: ? (summon amount? offence number 137?!)

him: dari mana?

me: *thinks* nilai.

him: satu tiga tujuh bang.

me: ok?

(i wasn't paying much attention to him because i wanted to hear who was number 1 on seacrest)

him: ic and lesen.

*hands over*

him: tadi speeding, satu tiga tujuh.

me: ok?

him: satu tiga tujuh. kita ada kamera lima kilometer sana. (he has my ic, my licence, he has the summon book but doesn't write a thing)

me: ok.

him: *mumble* kalau tangkap gambar, nanti pos *mumbles mumbles* (hands over my ic and licence)

(BoB is number one)

me: huh??? *takes my stuff* saman macam mana?

him *mumbles mumbles* gambar. saman. *mumbles mumbles*

me: boleh pergi?

him: ahhh ye.

so until now, am clueless how it works. worthless experience.

*******

have you heard of this group on facebook: stop insulting justin bieber, she has feelings too?

the bashing continues with:

" God, if you give us back michael jackson, we will give you justin bieber "

and apparently michael's not the only one. people are willing to trade justin for tupac, kurt cobain and bob marley too.

i can't help but laugh at this. well at least justin's got money to lessen the pain :P

The Good Life

2010-05-25T17:46:00.004+08:00

we grow up, along the way making plans for the future. how we're gonna spend it, with who, and all the endless possibilities.

then, we actually grow up and let life get in the way.

we forget of all the endless possibilities, because we let reality become heavier than it actually is. we set the wrong priorities. we meet the wrong people. we get drifted away. we forget to dream.

childhood innocence, reminds me that. i'm blessed to be happy.

truly. how about you?

*******

If God is a DJ

Life is a dance floor

Love is the rhythm

You are the music

- pink "God Is A DJ" -

You Make Me Sick

2010-05-24T23:28:00.000+08:00

Some people think they know everything, and even worse, feel they're so much more superior too.

I think substance is important, and facts as well. It's annoying when people you have to put up with are ignorant and have the mind of an obstinate grandfather. Yet when reality sets in, the reality that they're really short of the perfection they thought themselves to be, run for help into your direction but still are able to maintain their ego.

Some like to keep the delusions going on. I guess it helps when the going gets tough.

Silent victory is sweet, don't you agree?

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Breaking The Cycle

2010-05-22T11:00:00.003+08:00

there is a certain comfort in having a routine. it prepares our heart for the unexpected because we already know what's ahead. routine provides a state of normalcy.

with the job i'm in, it is quite impossible to get hold of a routine of life. it's more of a day to day scenario. while i hate the fact that most days i can't get my sleep, i also love it that i don't have a routine. it's part of the attraction of my job. it's weird, i know. but not having to be held in a cycle, allows me to be free of being grounded by people and emotions. everyday, is different. i don't know what to expect. i don't know who i'll meet. i don't know how the traffic will be, or even if i'll eat.

of course, most times, i'm the last to know of the latest.

why this suddenly? it occurred to me while speaking to my friends. they opted to head back to jb for work instead of kl because of this. it's not a bad idea, no. but different people, different ideas. i think i'd probably feel like a black hole after a certain time. don't get me wrong, i do miss having a routine. but breaking out of the mold, isn't so bad, is it?

at least for now, i don't get tied down. sacrifices of course, but isn't that life anyway? what about you? do you think i'm way out of line?

*******

-my current addiction. the boy's got talent-

Mid May Merry

2010-05-18T20:57:00.007+08:00

i'm beginning to have one of those constipated blogs. damn. sorry for the absence. just a little tied up with things.

isn't it just plain odd how everything in life can just happen. it's like a blink of an eye, and it's already been 4 (plus) years since i got out of highschool. 4 years since i made the crazy pull out from university.

last sunday was may 16th. also teacher's day. i have this gang of friends (mostly seniors), who make an effort annually to visit the school. this year i joined them, and it was kinda odd, in a good way. see, the teachers were excited to meet us, even those stern no-joking ones. i know it sounds weird, but it's hard to explain this student-teacher relationship we have. you probably can't comprehend it.

it started with the english language society (els). we were like a small clan, like-minded and noisy. we planned and started traditions like song dedications for recess, teacher's day dedication cards, bbq sales. and not forgetting choral speaking. choral speaking was big for us. because we were a small clan, part of the challenge was getting others to join us to put up with our nonsense.

and because we were in a boys school, the girls school always had the advantage. choral speaking had a ridiculous rule. no swaying waist down. so the girls could boob sway and flaunt their way. if only, we were allowed to thrust our hips and show them what we got. it was a sexist competition.

but we leveled up on our scripts, till the year the government decided to stop the competition.

anyways, this little competition was a ride like no other. it was an excuse to skip class, because we wouldn't start practicing till we've had an hour of unavoidable crap-talk, and bribes from the teachers to spend us. through the brainstorming of ideas, jokes, all wrapped in hours of practice, we had a better 1malaysia than the country could ever hope for. the weekly (and sometimes daily unofficial) meet ups for the els were just crazy. probably because the teachers as well would contribute in our merciless talks about certain teachers. see, they weren't just normal teachers. they bitched too. subtly.

since leaving school, we kept in touch. and the relationship we had with the els teachers (somehow) spread to other teachers as well. on a day they were being celebrated about, they still found time to worry. "where are these boys?!". and that's why it's odd. who becomes friendly with the no-joking teachers? or the discipline head? maybe my two brothers, but not me. i wasn't the school prefect or hockey player.

it's kind of fascinating how we could let loose and share crude jokes/remarks without getting reprimanded with adults we used to fear, argued with, or didn't want to tolerate. in their eyes, we're always the ones in uniform. but most times, they embrace we've become equivalent adults too. i used to be the one in awe when they taught me. now, it's mutual when exchanging experiences.

it's a little hard to stomach how boundaries are broken, but its a gratifying relationship. people will always come and go, but its the ones that matter, that you know you don't have to say "keep in touch" to be in touch.

it'll never go away.

like family.

*******

to loyar buruk,

your hometown from 36,000feet above the ground.

can spot your home?

Don't

2010-04-29T21:32:00.005+08:00

that ugly monsoon of feelings is acting up again. i will never learn how to accommodate. this case of readjustment to changes in life.

i hate it. everyone does. unless you have never experienced it, then lucky you. i would never want to be the middle person between you and that event. then, i wish i could be you. now, i wish it was just a test. i wish it was a hypothetical situation. i wish it weren't real.

i never wanted to feel like that again. it just happens. don't tell me its unavoidable. don't tell me reassuring words. don't because i can never understand it.

*******

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

-colbie caillat "i never told you"-

Perhaps Some Thought In It

2010-04-25T18:26:00.006+08:00

as they played the national anthem in the hall, i found myself automatically spraying out the words. not because i wanted to, but like i said, automatically. subconsciously. things like patriotism isn't something you can force onto others. certainly not through books, or songs for that matter. tell me exactly, how does singing a song instill love, passion, and trust perhaps? i am bewildered at whoever that came up with this concept.

don't get me wrong, i'm not bashing the country. i'm just trying to figure why certain things are done as they are.

the famous quote, "ask what you can do for your country, not what the country can do for you". each person would sacrifice what they deem fit. it's a question of depth. some would do nothing at all. because perhaps in retrospect, maybe nothing has been gained, except for losses.

in this situation, when there's a negative perception, or even a neutral view, would a song and class be able to reach and plant feelings into one's soul?

if it were so easy, i don't think that would define us as humans no longer. because we're just that complicated. intricate details of a person, makes us diverse and unique. it's stereotypical in a way to think everyone could be handled so easily. again, if only we're that simple.

my point is, why are we burdened with all this unproductive stuff if it's not gonna work? because we just need to, don't we? my brain cells are abundant, so let's waste 'em. my youth is abundant, so let's waste it.

i'm just saying, sometimes we let the unimportant take over our lives, time to get back into the game.

perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

*******

for the pic-enthusiast. i know my blog has never been the aviation one, so for those who just like to see a different sight, here you go!

an SIA if i'm not wrong. 2000feet above us.

mount kinabalu. someday.

hope you had a blast of a weekend. i spend 30minutes of my sunday in macau!

I Felt You Leave

2010-04-16T22:23:00.005+08:00

you had my head over the edge,

as i nestled into this paradise.

i lost control of saving smiles,

admiring the tea leaves shape your face.

i was on the other side of the puppeteer's line,

only with a genuine expression.

in this grotesque affair of senses,

my mind was a wild act of cirque du soleil.

the nights would end,

yet my days never saw the sunset.

insatiable was this hunger,

of the apotheosis of lust i craved.

this ignorance was bliss,

this ecstasy i could not leave,

but soon i was closing my eyes,

soon i was enveloped by emptiness.

checkmate in a game of chess,

by a vacant foe,

i was so behind,

in this race i figured i lead.

stay here,

save me,

listen out,

or just fool me once more.

Good Till It's Gone

2010-04-07T23:48:00.004+08:00

don't you think this would make great publicity? even if you don't, you have to. because it's my blog. junior jets, perhaps? :P

*******

as we browse through memories, we start to remember lost possessions. often enough, we let a lot slip by our finger gaps even without knowing. sometimes for the better. sometimes for the better at that instance, only to regret much later when trying to find it again.

we live to make mistakes. while it can get depressing and it might even tear us down this issue of regretting things once we've let go, i, slightly contradicting with what i've typed thus far, don't really believe in having too tight a grasp on everything.

you see, i just watched "up in the air". see how george clooney at the end winds up the losing end? he wasn't very sure of it, yet gambled it anyway. sure it's nice to gamble your life if you know you're gonna win all that's there at stake, but if you did not? how sure are you of winning?

certain things are just meant to be let go. i know she's hot, but is it really worth it now?

maybe that's my problem. i haven't found anything worth going all out for.

yet ;)

guess that's better than letting go something that's worth keeping.

Slightly Overdue

2010-03-28T18:14:00.004+08:00

i thought i got myself the best birthday present, because i brainlessly splurge without thinking. till...

i got this. hahahahaha the best present ever. thanks.

and thanks to all the family and friends who remembered. and those who forgot, thank you as well. i think i got just the right amount of people wishing me old. so you forgetting was kinda pleasant :P

and i'm feeling it now.

23 and rocking it!

Geek-OUT

2010-03-22T02:35:00.002+08:00

apparently "clever males attract more partners".

not in the human world of course, but in the satin bowerbird kingdom. humans we are, animals and animalistic, but we just fail to adopt such animal traits unfortunately.

on a totally different note, pilots are one of the 10 most trusted professions in our asian region.

seriously. if you don't believe me on any of these two statements, then go pick up the march issue of reader's digest (that has datuk michelle yeoh's pic on the cover) and read it for yourself. in black and white yo!

as a conclusion, ladies, i think it's about time you started trusting me.

-out-

When A Crystal Mosque Isn't Enough...

2010-03-17T23:11:00.005+08:00

thank God there's always family.

everyone has a right to be happy. let's not ruin things :)

March On

2010-03-07T21:50:00.006+08:00

and OMG I'M A PILOT! seriously. is that so hard to believe?

usually, when people ask where i work, i tell them i work with airasia. then they'd let go, "flight attendant" straightaway. now readers, stay calm. there is nothing wrong with being a flight attendant. their job is so important, people always tend to overlook them. without them, we could never take off. they are vital, you have no idea the burden they carry each day, and i respect each and everyone of them.

but why give me the awestruck jaw-dropping bewildered astonished OMG-you-can't-be-serious look when i tell you i'm a pilot. dude, i don't want to have your death on my conscience if you die of heart attack. you were the curious one.

is it so surprising? it has not happen once or twice, that's why it's a little frustrating. but don't worry, i'm still good. the job has been interesting, even if it's been much tiring. over the past week, many interesting flights. there was a cross-bleed start, fuel imbalance (just for practice), and few nights ago, terrible thunderstorm rain over in kl and medan, with windshear alert going off on the climb during take off. what an experience.

also, dear passengers, please be advised, like any other public toilet, please lock the door when you do your tinkling business. i don't like disturbing your concentration.

*******

to my bb,

" you know you love me,
i know you care,
just shout whenever,
and i'll be there.
you want my love,
you want my heart,
and we will never ever ever be apart. "

-"baby" justin bieber-

Live Life Love Family

2010-02-26T02:12:00.007+08:00

introducing, officially henceforth,
JoelGotGroove (JGG)
because his hair always got grooveee.
and yes,
he loves salivating his mr. green frog rattle.

*******

let me let you in on a secret. shhhhh don't tell anyone. this is exclusive to YOU, loyal reader.

LCCT is the place to be. it's the scene. the new bangsar/zouk/mos/whatever. seriously. how else can you explain road blocks at 12 midnight on a thursday just outside LCCT? road blocks with urine test weiii... someone explain?!

don't say i never share.

" coz i was so high,
and now i'm so low,
and i don't wanna walk around alone,
solo. "

-addicted to: iyaz "solo"-

You Took A Piece Of Me

2010-02-11T17:29:00.002+08:00

" till i met you, how i used to think i just wasn't a good guy.
i've grown up in my family and that's what they told me.

and now, after all of it, i know that i'm a good man. and i thank you for that. because i know now that i'm good enough not to deserve this.

not to have to feel like this.
not to love you so much that i almost hate you.

i
deserve someone who will stay. "

i'm in my grey's anatomy cycle again. i might be MIA for a little while, hopefully. because unlike alex karev, my mind's not sorted. happy holidays everyone!

From Ear To Ear With A Reason

2010-02-10T19:16:00.003+08:00

finally, i am able to breathe again. after quite turbulent months, i finished line training. i don't want to do it again.

it's such a relief to be done with training, even though the reality hasn't sunk in yet. the studying will never end, but it's like a huge boulder off my shoulders now. every night before a flight, i used to feel like i was going to enter the exam hall tomorrow, stpm exam hall to be precise. it was so hard to fall asleep, because your mind keeps wondering, "did i cover this? how about that? how does it go again?". some nights, it felt like i didn't even sleep, because i kept waking up. too nervous, you know?

i think it's kinda of crazy the fact that my first training flight was to bintulu, and i ended the training with a flight to bintulu as well. were the stars, planet and moon aligned or something?

oh, and finally i can tell people i'm a pilot, not a trainee pilot anymore (wrong to be proud eh? :D ). some people don't understand when i tell them i'm a trainee pilot, and have to explain everything before they understand what it means. initially, they think i'd just sit and observe the captain fly the plane.

though the reaction after that would be, "so you're a co-pilot? when will you fly the plane?". sad i tell you. its a two man crew, and we both take turns to fly the plane. i'm not a seat warmer :P

tomorrow shall be the first day taking flight as a first officer. start of a new chapter, another huge step for my life, a new wave of responsibility here after. i love this job, and i wonder why i doubted my happiness during training last time.

plus, flying back to jb! see the stars, planets and the moon aligning for me yet again :D

p/s if you're wondering, basically our ranking system works like this: second officer -> first officer -> senior first officer -> captain.

*******

once during lunch, ITT turns and tells me out of the blue:

"next time when i big, i wanna be like you uncle sharman. i want to fly the plane. be captain".

so enthusiastically some more. i don't need kids with nephews like these :)

then the other day in school, his class teacher did the usual "ambition talk", and typically she wrote police, army, firefighter, doctor on the blackboard and told them to choose.

narrating the story to my mom, my mom asked him, "why you never say you want to become pilot?"

ITT: because the teacher didn't write on the blackboardddd...

the envy :)

Worth What

2010-02-02T13:34:00.003+08:00

i have no mood to blog anything about the "industry". everything's fine, don't worry. it's just, you know, tiring.

welcome february everyone. chinese new year is around the corner, and have no idea where i'll be to celebrate it. keeping my fingers and toes crossed for the moment :) how about you guys? what are the plans for the long weekend ahead? someone, confirm dating across the causeway la.

anyhow, the other day at the hawker, the waiter ask me what i wanted to drink. i said, "teh cina ais satu".

after awhile he returns, 100 percent looking somewhere else. so i ask, "berapa?"

he: dua ringgit.

me: DUA RINGGIT?!!!

he: ahhh. eh sorry sorry. empat puluh sen (then he sniggers)

it wasn't temporary insane inflation, or a joke. the fella was busy fixated on an ah moi. maybe he hasn't been lucky in awhile i guess. or maybe that was his version of megan fox. the love of his life he's been waiting for.

thank God he didn't drool into my drink.

Stuck In A Moment

2010-01-25T22:49:00.004+08:00

something short and simple worth sharing.

i heard this over the radio while driving. on mix fm, for the traffic info she goes:

" on the MRR2 traffic is building up because of a car accident on the left lane, between tesco and the shell station, from sri petaling heading towards ampang. due to onlookers, you guys, champion, traffic is slow on both directions. way to go. "

woman either seriously frustrated from repeating the same thing every other day, or owns a really good sense of humour. the best traffic update i ever heard.

*******

i bought a steering cover. it says "easily slips onto steering wheel".

what.a.lie.

Ain't Nothing Like DC

2010-01-23T12:15:00.008+08:00

i was watching hitz tv when nelly's song featuring akon and ashanti came on. it reminded me of this video instead. one of the most memorable performance from destiny's child. for me.

and of course one of my favourite dreams. haizzz... i'd marry someone catering like that :D

oh yes, i like it like this.

and i want it like this. i want it. i want it.

*composes self*

okay. good weekend everyone! though not much of a difference for me :)

When She Says She Loves Me

2010-01-20T22:05:00.006+08:00

certain things i cannot comprehend, i elude. hoping to find an alternative around the situation, or absolute avoidance when cornered. choices i make, may not seem healthy. choices i make, aren't permanent, but they help get by.

you don't understand, so stop generalizing. stop putting me in the same box as you. not that i find you far better off (which you are), but it is not the same.

you do not understand me, but since you're in a position, i unwillingly agree that we are of the same. see, i'm gracious. unfortunately, i can't say the same about everyone. because some just don't understand, and probably never will.

*******

i've waited all my life to turn 23. and this year, it's here. yes, sharman of sharman23 turns 23. it isn't a random number i chose.

now what do i do, when i don't want it to come?

Light Me Up

2010-01-08T15:11:00.004+08:00

i flew to macau twice this week, back to back. yesterday, was a night flight there. just beside the terminal, stood the hyatt hotel, hard rock, and crown hotel. they had colourful lights from top to bottom. the lights were coordinated.

it was quite a sight watching the three buildings changing colour from yellow to orange to red to blue to green, from left to right, then up to down like drizzling down the ceiling.

how cool is that? coordinated technicolour. and behind them stood the infamous venetian macau majestically. the temperature at macau was 11degrees. when the service door was open for disembarkation, i could feel the cold air gush into the cockpit. brrrrrrrr.....

the whole atmosphere was incredible. the sight, the cold air, sadly i was all alone in the cockpit settling the paperwork. i don't get to enjoy night stops, but i think certain moments are best enjoyed for the shortest period, else they'll go basi.

what a life :)

*******

the sister was worried about IvanTheTerrible going to school and buying food at the canteen since ITT doesn't know how to handle money. on the second day of school, she gave him 2 one ringgit notes, and some coins just in case (in addition to packed food). when he returned, she asked him, "did you buy anything?". shocked with his reply though, because he came back home without a cent on him. alas, he has been introduced to the wonderful experience of money spending.

just for comparisons, my mom gave me 50cents to spend in primary 1. inflation, perhaps?

:P

The Recap

2010-01-02T20:34:00.002+08:00

for the last few days prior to new year:

1. got called up for work, when i initially had day off for new year. it's okay, for the better future right?

2. on the eve of the eve of new year, flying back from jakarta, we got struck by lightning. it left a mark, as how a blunt nail would leave if hammered onto a metal sheet, and the paint got scraped off.

3. spent my first ever new year in flight (on the way back from shenzhen), flying somewhere over the south china sea. we did not have any countdown because most of the passengers were sleeping. i did get a free meal from the captain though :)

4. a bloody idiotic bafoon stole Miss Om's car radio antenna (it's the screw on type). already missed new year celebration, now i was left without an antenna.

anyway, it is the new year, with many things to look forward to. so HAPPY *belated* NEW YEAR from me to anyone who's reading. may 2010 be so much more awesome, exciting, and less to worry. party hard, and make incredible memories this year!

-2010 is actually here. omg. -

Will Never Get

2009-12-30T18:01:00.003+08:00

my dog just died. back home in johor bahru. i kinda had expected it, because she kept running out of the house. she was so smart, she was "toilet" trained, and knew how to sit and shake hand. what do we make of death? i'm still trying to figure that out.

-

2009-12-26T13:33:00.002+08:00

Miss O was publicly molested today.

i sent her to the car wash.

+ if you asked me for two minutes of my time, and then i made a scene at you for using more than two minutes of my time like how you would if we were delayed, how would you feel? random.

Getting Lost At The Sideline

2009-12-24T18:36:00.001+08:00

pmr results were announced today, and i'm suddenly thrown back into memories. for me, i've always been chasing good results. i was never the straight A's student, but i always believed in having a nice-to-see results slip. A's and B's were all i told myself to accommodate with.

thinking back, i don't know why. maybe because i like to see things orderly, somewhat? hmmmm... as i spoke to a friend quite some time back, she told me how happy she was when one of her students passed all subjects. something i found a little hard to relate at first, but later understood. not everyone wants to chase for the A's. sure its nice to have them, but how does it really help? i've met people with amazing results, who also think they're royalty. i've met people who rattle of chemistry formulas and spot calculation mistakes instantly, but can't hold a simple conversation.

i'm not saying i am the perfect human being on earth. i occasionally loathe making small talk, though i think i feign interest well. back to the point, some people search for the A's, yet others don't really care. some just want to pass. results don't make a person, it just generalizes us into science or arts. then classifies us "successful" or not. for exams we are forced to sit for, some don't want to comprehend. we are a diverse lot.

*******

IvanTheTerrible will soon be starting standard 1. it is kind of crazy thinking about this. 6years ago, i couldn't believe i was an uncle. then he started calling me uncle. then he attended nursery, and kindergarten. soon, primary school. time flies so fast.

he is excited about his new school. the other day he was telling me how big it was, that he's going to standard 1 next year, with so much enthusiasm. the kid doesn't know he's got 11 long years of school ahead of him. ONE DAY, he's gonna hate it. yes, i'm slightly evil. i just hope he'll enjoy the moment while it lasts.

it is the festive season, and i've got treats for you. some *not very clear* pictures of the three knights, by order of appearance on earth:

thanks to NigelBiscuitBoy for his photography skills, except the last one.

*******

i'm getting quite the attention for my personal message on msn. it reads:

intimacy.
honesty.
commitment.
you. me. us.

words from my beloved beyonce, to me.

fine. from the video "if i were a boy", can't i imagine?

Nod Your Head Nick

2009-12-20T15:42:00.004+08:00

i realized how easily it is for some people to mistake me for being drunk on the phone.

me: hello. where are you?

cousin: just finish work, on the way back.

me: ooo ok. i miss you laaa...

cousin: oi. you drunk is it?!

i wasn't drunk. it was just to annoy her into thinking i was drunk, while she was busy with work, and others were not. slightly evil.

*******

the family and i headed down to 1Utama because there was a nickelodeon event going on last week. holiday treat for the nephews. it was kinda disappointing, over-hyped, and a cheap advertisement for the company. but i guess kids are easily pleased (somewhat), and they enjoyed themselves with the limited activities.

anyways, the host was kinda weird. it was this lady in her late twenties. she was sitting on the stage, kids sat on the floor in front of her, and she tried to entertain them. at her wits end, she asked the kids to guess her age. kids ranging from 3-6 years old. one of the kids thought she was 12. kids do not know how to judge wrinkles, my dear.

i think the host was sticking to her job because it paid well. she finally decides to introduce herself, and says she's from johor bahru. again, kids don't know geography. then she asks, if anyone's from there.

was she expecting anybody to acknowledge her? of course she was. LIKE ME! i raised my hand. and we ended up having a "conversation". she on the stage, speaking through the mic, me about 30 feet away speaking and hoping she reads lip.

she: you also from JB?

me: yes.

she: have you seen me before?

me: yess i have. (with utmost semangat)

she: where?

me: errrr. city square!

she: where have you seen me before? (guess she didn't get it)

me: CITY SQUARE!

she: oooo. during one of the shows?

i nod my head vigorously.

she: oh okay. later i give you present okay?

i smiled back politely and gave her a thumb up.

i'll tell you something. i have never seen her before in my life, but city square is the only place where events like this would take place. i was *fingers crossed* hoping my blind shots would hit the target. apparently it did. because at the end of the day, i got two limited pink dora the explorer lanyards.

as much as i wanted to keep it for myself and wear on board to work, i felt gracious to my nephews and let them have it instead. see, it "pays" to be from JB, and told you she's just in it for the money. for a temporary period, i was the "kid" she was paid to entertain. why do we have to grow up again?

Chinese Tea Furrow

2009-12-15T22:40:00.005+08:00

dinner at the frequented chinese restaurant, the lady boss zapped me with a reply i wasn't expecting.

me: teh cina panas, satu.

lady boss: cina teh panas, you kata teh cina panas. aiyooo...

was i really wrong? almost tempted to go on a Hukum DM spree, but decided not to because clearly i'm not some DBP member. and of course because the boss always like to talk crap to entertain us. you know, coffeeshop talk. randoms.

*******

talked to NigelBiscuitBoy on the phone few minutes ago, and it went like this.

NBB: now i'm four years old!

me: wowww. four years old?! now you're such a big boy!

NBB: noooooo. i'm still small. i am only FOUR years old.

the only kid i know who doesn't want to grow up. why didn't i have his mindset back then.

-there are some people i get so close to strangling them-

Little Wonders

2009-12-13T19:35:00.006+08:00

on the morning of his birthday, NigelBiscuitBoy woke up and asked his mother, "is uncle sharman coming back?"

she: no. he is working.

NBB: why he need to work?

she: because he need to pay for his car.

NBB: i got money. i can help him pay for his car.

he meant the RM5 in his "kitty" bank. don't you want kids too? even for just the temporary satisfaction of innocent joy? :)

*******

yes for those who actually read this blog, i got a car. lack of an update on it eh? things have been a lil rough that it overshadowed the enthusiasm for my beloved car, sadly.

well initially she had been named Miss O, not to be mistaken for Oprah, but due to the fact she's orange. last night, i officially blessed her and she's now hindu.

so mom asked me, "then shouldn't your car have an indian name too?"

me: "hmmmm. point noted. ok her indian name shall be Miss Om".

i really didn't want to deviate too much from her birth name. and yes, she. the love of my life hahaha...

One Step

2009-12-08T15:05:00.002+08:00

stop peeling the petals,
she said to me,
it is too soon,
she warned me.

i dived reluctantly,
back into the ocean,
to find normality and my position,
of distanced fear.

a remoteness ensued,
in the once comfort zone,
paradise was where you were,
not like hanging over this edge.

the tone of your voice,
i could feel how somber,
your unwilling eyes,
only to me.

only to me,
you had spread your arms,
only to me,
the restricted was table talk.

yet only to me,
everything of the ordinary,
that made perfect sense,
were intangible in reflection.

Lack Of Armor

2009-12-04T19:32:00.000+08:00

sometimes i just wanna give in...

the title is stolen, but i found it appropriate.

*******

happy birthday.

i wonder how it would have been.

Travesty Of Its Own

2009-11-18T18:59:00.005+08:00

there comes a time, when you have to let go. you can't interfere, it is just not your business. no one can point a finger, and play the blame game, it is too late.

there comes a time, when all you can do is sit and watch for what's coming next.

i know i've said everything in life is a choice, but there are restrictions. we aren't always compelled to deal, certainly when things are way beyond our reach. we're humans, we're not superhumans. we can hold grudges, but we can't hold onto responsibilities that are too far-fetched.

the distant reality that many fail to grasp, we can't decide, we can't mould, we can't make choices or even choose how tomorrow will begin or end if an observer is what we're elected for. tomorrow is always an unknown.

we do what we can. at the end, we may rejoice in success, or maybe not. and when the latter occurs, we wonder "what went wrong?". what could have been, what could have been done. too late, maybe something's were just meant to be, as how it were out of reach from the very beginning. self-depreciating thoughts occur. nothing can be done to undo, we can only look ahead. to deal with the future.

maybe we'll sit and pray, everyone goes through some sort of rough patch of their own. for others, few empty bottles. anything, and everything is an option.

and hopefully, we'll get through it.

then continue the script.

*******

"ku katakan dengan indah,
dengan terluka hatiku hampa,
sepertinya luka menghampirinya.

kau beri rasa yang berbeda,
mungkin ku salah mengartikannya,
yang kurasa cinta."

-'ku katakan dengan indah' by peterpan-

The Awkward Surprise

2009-11-16T21:06:00.003+08:00

"they say the bigger your investment,
the bigger your return,

but you have to be willing to take a chance.

you have to understand,
you might lose it all.

but if you take that chance,
if you invest wisely,

the pay off might just surprise you."

-s06e08, am a sucker for grey's anatomy-

*******

i don't know how, when or why, this pessimism towards it began. all the negativity, suddenly appeared out of nowhere. i used to believe, but somehow things changed. it no longer seems as pleasant as before. no longer the same.

perceptions change through time, no?

perceptions can be influenced, no?

maybe i'm just waiting for you, then the pieces will fit in again.

*******

mom asked me,

"what's the song '3' about? the radio dj was saying, listen to the chorus and know what she's counting about, so what is it actually?"

me,

"hmmmm. well the direct meaning, she's supposedly singing about playing 'twister'. but the indirect translation, it's about threesome."

awkwardly, there was a lack of the awkward moment. getting used to, perhaps?

Quite Abruptly

2009-11-12T19:51:00.004+08:00

NigelBiscuitBoy seems to have developed the art of storytelling very articulately. for his age, not yours. earlier, i was speaking to IvanTheTerrible, but NBB being himself, snatched the phone from him.

a few rustled moments later, he started rattling away. he's no oxford or cambridge, so occasionally he'd get stumped for words, and i can always picture him rolling his eyes upwards, breathing heavily, thinking hard for the right words at this point. like he usually does.

NBB: mummy take the video of me dancing on the stage and...

(this was about his nursery's concert)

NBB: and martini put the brown on the table and she....

(firstly, i have no idea what the hell this story was about. secondly, yes someone named their daughter "martini". was martini-the-drink the cause of martini-the-daughter? or the other way round?)

NBB: papa's car so big. and the tyre so big lidat lidat LIDATTT.

(i couldn't stop laughing here)

NBB: uncle sharman laughing.

(i laughed even more)

NBB: uncle sharman laughing some moreee.

(at the background i could hear ITT grumbling)

NBB: nooooo. but i want to talkkkk.

(he tends to stretch his words sometimes. very distinct, hard to explain)

NBB: grandma play the kumputen (computer=laptop). she play beejwleeeed, play fish, play farmmmm.

me: grandma never let you play?

NBB: noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. grandma play all dayyyyyy!

quite abruptly he ended our conversation and passed the phone to his brother. willingly. i don't think opening a facebook account for someone who is barely 4years old is a good idea.

then what will I post about?!

:)

-enjoy the weekend-

Magenta Ain't Pretty

2009-11-08T03:20:00.011+08:00

i started officially in the giant red & white metal tube on the 6th!

unexpected and pretty much unprepared. i went into my typical frenzy panic mood, but luckily the captain was extremely nice. he didn't rush me, knowing i was already rushed, and not to forget nervous too. i had no idea what to expect. of course the occasionally mind freeze had to happen. not with the flying, but knowledge.

it's been a never-ending learning process, and sometimes you take all the tiny finer points for granted. so when you're asked to recall, you get stumped for words.

almost like having a key, with a million doors in front of you to figure which it belongs to. in my head i'm shouting, "I KNOW THIS", yet i couldn't phrase it out in words because it all seemed to fuzzy. yes, study. i know. there's only so much i can store at my fingertips. my mind don't work the same like an external hard disk ready for plug and play, though i wish it did.

captain was incredible. he discussed, even asked for opinions. it is people like him who make flying so freaking awesome beyond words could describe. at one point he turned and said, "RELAX... am i that scary?", we both laughed because it was me scaring myself out, instead of him.

many will say you can't know everything, i don't find any consolation in that. we all know our limitations and capacities, it's just a little disappointing at this stage. i'm the type of guy who's always trying to note down as much as i can, and most times i get amazed with the intricate details i jot down too late. sadly, i don't read those notes because there's already a million other stuff to do. things we have learnt, we hope remember. guiltily, i don't revise cause i feel its exciting to learn something of the unknown. okay, nevermind...

i'm still relishing the moment. this is where i want to be. gotta get through some turbulent times first :)

for someone who never traveled much, here's to bintulu, k. kinabalu, and medan! the sky's blue-er from flight levels :D

*******

she: *sounded like* salmon, are you mixed?

me: salmon? it's shar-man laaa... yes i'm mixed.

capt: is he mixed? of course! norwegian and german salmon mix!

wth.

Options Leave No Choice

2009-11-05T15:15:00.005+08:00

people who don't know, think superficially. we're all guilty of it. as much as i should give people the benefit of that, sometimes i can't find the capacity to. maybe it's the situation, the timing, probably even the nonchalant tone.

maybe because it happens one two many a time, then annoyance kicks in. because redundancy is a bore.

people who don't know, think superficially. and i wish i remember how that felt. to be able to know the simplicity of things, and not in depth, without a fear, with a whole lot of glimmer. there is a solace if we just had to touch the surface, and nothing more. there will be no boulder on our shoulders to add weight in our daily lives. without responsibilities, there will be no consequences.

but that's not healthy. i need to know more. still, people who don't know, think superficially, and sometimes that gets on my nerves, if the same person keeps doing it again and again like an energizer bunny. or was it duracell?

*******

today, i saw an old man walking through rows of shops in clogs. the really classic wooden red clogs, with the plastic semi-cover on top. i don't think he was on some prank show. you know what was amazing, he walked so gracefully, without the clogs making a racket. talented. i don't know why was he in clogs, but i guess that looks better than crocs, and when was the last time you saw clogs? worth a mention, don't you think?

i also saw a mind teasing signboard today. it read:

AWAS
AMARAN
KERAS

something's wrong somewhere, no?

-i spout crap-

Snipped, From Your Thoughts?

2009-11-02T16:49:00.007+08:00

" when you develop an infatuation for someone,
you always find a reason to believe that this is exactly the person for you.

it doesn't need to be a good reason,
a bad one will do just as well.

taking photographs of the night sky,
for example,
in the long run that's just the kind of dumb irritating habit that would cause you to split up.

but at that time,
it's the charming eccentricity you've been searching for all these years. "

- "the beach" -

*******

i cannot understand some of the people i have met in my life. when i existed there right in front of you, you had to act superior-like. we were always on level ground. difference you and me, i never thought you were great as how you did yourself.

sure i've made mistakes before in my life. if that should be a reason for you to act that i'm beneath you, fine. you had a reason to judge.

but why the sudden fascination, and change of heart to be so-called friends again?

same goes for those who never were mary poppins.

i know people mature over the years, but i also know some don't. i need proof of some sort. or genuine initiation. mouse clicks don't count. no, i'm not mean.

Some Make, Some Break

2009-10-21T18:04:00.004+08:00

relationships can progress and digress, take a new dimension altogether. that is what i've learn quite recently. its hard to say where one can go at this point of time, but its fulfilling to know in future that some things have gone right.

relationships are complex. some seem eternally trusting, till a particular decision can change it into a rocky boat ride. some, a case of dog and cat, turning into a formidable force together. some surviving even through ugly stints.

i feel, relationships, like everything else in life, are fragile. how the future can sway either way. how it can just evaporate into thin air without knowing. how plainly unexpected it can seem.

this is just my thoughts on friendship, nothing more. don't be confused.

i must say, it's the friendships that i never thought much about, that somehow manages to change my life, and become an important factor, that i will always appreciate. a true blessing, a gift i never saw coming.

some of us, are actually humans too ;)

Surpressing The Wreck

2009-10-19T00:54:00.006+08:00

i made a stop at one of the R&R along the north-south highway to have dinner last night. one of the stalls felt the need to be more creative than the rest. "sirap" was renamed "Roziah's Juice". i can't remember the exact, but it was a feminine name no doubt.

it read and sounded rather crude, if you get what i mean.

the other day i was watching a local magic show on the tv. i know how magic is fake, and its just an illusion, but i wanted to see what he's got to flaunt till he had his one tv show. there was this one particular trick, which had david blaine written on it vividly.

the local magician caught a shooting bullet with his mouth. a paint ball bullet. hmmmmm are fakes our only options?

*******

deepavali came and went. so quick the weekend is gone. this year, i did not get any new clothes.

instead i got new sheets :D somehow, this feels more fulfilling. there's something about snugly new crisp bed sheets.

Ghetto Superstar

2009-10-12T00:31:00.003+08:00

as i drove on the familiar road from many years ago, memories started flooding back. though confident i was of the directions, it was slightly fuzzy. nearly missed a turning, but i get that a lot with fly-overs.

so much change with time. all that used to surround, surround no more. some sculptured into odd designs. some, surprisingly remained the same throughout all the years, but not many. it was dark, and that helped reduce the obvious change of my reality. i could still savour in what was left plus a little bit more due to the night vision. it felt, like finding an old toy i had thought i lost.

it made me want to close my eyes and for just a moment, remember the laughter. maybe get lost in it. relive the stories again.

but, that wouldn't be me. i need my tomorrow :)

*******

the incredibly knowledgeable captain said an amusing quote, which i'd like to share to whoever is reading:

" back in the day,

flying was dangerous and the girls were nice,

now,

flying is nice and the girls are dangerous. "

Anywhere Also Can

2009-10-06T22:12:00.004+08:00

past few days i had been having trouble falling asleep. i don't know whether its because of the stress or any other relevant reason, but definitely it was annoying me. then i remembered...

i used to have this odd habit. i've always slept in a queen sized bed since young. and when i was younger, i used to position my pillows wherever i felt like laying.

sometimes my head would be at the top of the bed (where it should be), and some other times my head would be at the foot of the bed. sometimes i'd sleep across the width instead, though this confirm cannot do now unless i want my legs dangling in the air :P occasionally diagonally too, but don't really like this cause not much area to roll around.

so i decided, why not try this utterly childish thing? so yea, i slept the other way round. where my feet should be, lay my head; and where my head should be, rested my feet. surprisingly, i feel asleep.

actually not surprisingly. i always found sleeping in odd directions more sleep inducing. its like you're sleeping in a new bed. not just because you're laying on a different area of the mattress, but i guess the whole complexity of the fan blowing from a different direction, the "view", surroundings.

tell me, how to find a partner in bed willing to accommodate such antics?

wow. what a load of crap. and you still read all this? i guess i'm not the only with nothing to do. so since you've indulged me this far, share an odd habit of yours, alright?

*******

sometimes i just wanna tell you directly. but i don't think i'm mean like that. instead, i'm gonna quote this very smartly crafted and beautiful worded piece by Azure Antoinette:

"Don't put me in a box

If you must...
Put me in a box of writers, poets, artistic dreamers, patriots for world peace, melodic pavers for prosperity,
If you must,
Put me in a box with no walls, no top, no bottom, just a translucent chamber where I will flourish,
Where I can turn the earth on its ear.

Where I can remind the world that I have a purpose,
That we, the so-called minority, has a purpose.

If you must,
Put me in that space,
But don't put me in a box just based on the colour of,
my face.

It is just a skin hue."

-taken from "box"-

Through One And Into Another

2009-10-05T22:13:00.002+08:00

she said, "it gets from bad to worse, from the last one to the next one. then you wonder, why you even bothered searching".

i don't agree. for me, it had lead me to different paths. each incomparable, they brought me and introduced me to different worlds. neither was better, nor worse for that matter, than the other.

i never could sell you an orange for an apple, they were just unalike. seen, felt and peeled, how do you compare unless you're downright bias for one and not the other.

but more importantly, it was my decision. undeniably, there are times when i refuse to accept my decisions. i wish i could take them back. i wish they weren't so obviously silly. for once said and done, can never be taken back. everything you do and say may be forgiven, but never forgotten. and its an ugly job, not forgetting impossible too, polishing the already scared surface to its once smooth glory days.

plus, if we want to change our mistakes, then shouldn't we also be willing to change our right decisions into the former? life can't all be that good.

i always believe, we are who we make ourselves to be. everything we do, is by choice. we choose to party, we choose study, we choose to commit.

more importantly with choice, comes a decision. things can always go any way from here. its 50-50 by probability if there were only two choices. so you could get it right, and you could get it not so right.

more prominently with decisions, it leads us back to choice. the road less traveled next, or the obvious one? lets try to weigh out the options first before regretting. though i know haste is always the devil on my shoulder, as hard as i try to shake him off. don't you hate him too sometimes?

How Next?

2009-10-04T23:44:00.003+08:00

sometimes i get insanely stressed, i can't sleep.

sometimes i get insanely stressed, i feel like running away.

sometimes i get insanely stressed, i start to eat more than i should.

sometimes i get insanely stressed, my stomach turns into a queasy machine.

and i get insanely stressed everytime i sit for an exam or test. i think i am exam-phobic. or test-allergic. or something like that. because its insane how the insides of my body go out of control during these times. i kinda like studying, but i hate being evaluated.

and its utterly annoying how nervous i get during exams that i start to look like a pea-brain.

-still coping-